The most vivid memories are often not quite what you would expect. The way the mind focuses on everything else, but “that” is kinda amazing. It saves you from yourself. It hides from you things you just cannot handle.
It was no different that day and it’s frustrating me a little now. The things that are clear seem so unimportant, they aren’t what I need to see right now. It’s like they are still blocking me from what is really there. My own mind still protecting me and shielding me from the truth.
Writing about my session Friday and I reach where we left it and I cannot focus on what’s next, it’s like there’s a wall in between, a wall of unimportant memories. Things that shouldn’t matter.
I think they were purple, or perhaps blue? They were definitely quite dark, that’s for sure.
Why is it so important? Why does it matter so?
Softer than before and no smell.. it bothered me. And It bothers me now.
It was all wrong, the light to the rear and the door to the right. That’s not how it used to be.
It was so different and I didn’t know what to do with that.
And what about now? What do I do with it?
It doesn’t fit with everything else.
My head hurts. I think a sign to put it away, if I can, until Friday at least. It will unravel as it needs to, when I am truly ready.
Perhaps better to focus on the relief I feel that it is no longer October! Maybe plan a celebration that I made it through!!! And some time noting that somewhere in all the general “ughness” there was progress. ‘Cos I cannot think about this other stuff anymore and my mind won’t do the whole switching off and resting thing that I am often encouraged to do.