The past feels like present tonight. Alhough I know the trigger now, it seemed to come out of the blue.
Things had improved a little, less triggers since October passed, a relief that it was over and though Friday brought up some deep issues, I felt better for sharing more secrets. It’s been a week of dissociation, but a definite improvement on last week.
Tonight though, it is closer than ever, it’s as if he is here. A ghostly presence or a shadow perhaps, standing over me. And echos of what was, are terrifying me.
The smell of fireworks and of bonfires triggered me tonight. And I didn’t even leave the house.. an open window I’d forgotten about and the smell brought me too my knees.
Back then, him, those nights and what waited for me.
I took a shower, tried to wash away his scent, then sorted through laundry, trying to ground myself. As I inhaled my clean laundry, all I could smell were his clothes. His, not mine. Do you know how distressing that is?
And now I am in my bed, where the sheets are soft and clean, the pillows plump and the blankets warm, reminding myself he isn’t here. It is my bed I know that, the one I share with my husband. Nothing bad has happened in this bed, nothing can hurt me here, he is not here. Then why do I feel so unsafe? Why does my breath catch in my throat? Why such a heavy weight of fear?
Grounding, grounding grounding. He isn’t here, I know that, I know it. I do.. I just wish I knew it all the way through.