Home » My Journey » Triggered

Triggered

The past feels like present tonight. Alhough I know the trigger now, it seemed to come out of the blue.

Things had improved a little, less triggers since October passed, a relief that it was over and though Friday brought up some deep issues, I felt better for sharing more secrets. It’s been a week of dissociation, but a definite improvement on last week.

Tonight though, it is closer than ever, it’s as if he is here. A ghostly presence or a shadow perhaps, standing over me. And echos of what was, are terrifying me.

The smell of fireworks and of bonfires triggered me tonight. And I didn’t even leave the house.. an open window I’d forgotten about and the smell brought me too my knees.

Back then, him, those nights and what waited for me.

 

I took a shower, tried to wash away his scent, then sorted through laundry, trying to ground myself. As I inhaled my clean laundry, all I could smell were his clothes. His, not mine. Do you know how distressing that is?

And now I am in my bed, where the sheets are soft and clean, the pillows plump and the blankets warm, reminding myself he isn’t here. It is my bed I know that, the one I share with my husband. Nothing bad has happened in this bed, nothing can hurt me here, he is not here. Then why do I feel so unsafe? Why does my breath catch in my throat? Why such a heavy weight of fear?

Grounding, grounding grounding. He isn’t here, I know that, I know it. I do.. I just wish I knew it all the way through.

 

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “Triggered

  1. “I know it. I do.. I just wish I knew it all the way through.”
    Words of wisdom – Yes, there’s light years of difference between knowing it in your head and knowing it in your bones (all the way through).
    Hold on.

  2. i am so sorry you are feeling that way tonight friend…you are safe. he is not there. he will not be there. your husband will hold you and keep you safe. it is horrible to feel that way, i know it too freakin well…it can be paralyzing…keep grounding yourself. play soothing music that won’t trigger you, watch a safe movie or tv show if you can to distract you, keep a light on, and i often play music all through the night…i am here for you..only a click away ❤ praying for you

      • I’m happy you made it through the night! Nights seem to intensify things that break with the morning light! Today is a new day…let’s try to focus on the positive and embrace the day! 💖

  3. My therapist told me today that with anniversaries, sometimes it can help to try and create new, pleasant memories. She said it helps to erode the impact of the old trauma memories. I’m glad you managed to sleep and that you got grounded the next morning 🙂 x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s