* Trigger warning*
I think something changed today, in some way. Shifted perhaps?
Blame, blame, blame. Responsibility and shame. It is my story this time, what I had to do…maybe soon I can grieve over what was done to me too?
I was numb as a teen, it was like all my feelings were just switched off. Dull, hidden from me. I faked it, I pretended well, but inside I felt dead.
Until she came along and made my heart beat again. Somehow she gave me the capacity to love again.. and she took up all that I had. I adored her. My soul friend.
It was mutual, I think. She loved me fiercely, completely it seemed. No matter what I did, she was there, right by my side without question.
One day that friend, the person I loved most in the world was in danger and no one else was going to get her through it. It didn’t cross my mind to do anything but step up.
It’s so easy to say you would die for someone; living.. doing things that you don’t want to do-now that is the real sacrifice. And I did that, I sacrificed myself for her.
And although I would do it again a thousand times over, I’ve hated myself for it ever since.
What I did, what I said, what took place that day. Oh, the things I did…
Have I had this confused all this time? I took control that day, I did what I had to do, I know that. It became my responsibility to save us both and I guess somewhere along the way that responsibility became blame. I took that on and hated myself for all of it. Everything.
Such twisted, ugly lies that I’ve carried for almost half of my life.
I had to protect her, I had no choice. As far as I was concerned, the abuse was my cross to bear, my life, my fate, my torture. My hell. I never wanted her to experience that. I never wanted her to know. I had to do it, I had to save her in the only way possible. Damage limitation at the very least, I guess.
I cannot write here the things that I did that day, just thinking of them is killing me. It has shifted though, some of that pain is for myself, for that teenager who had to take control of a nightmare, that no teen, no person, should ever have to face. And though, I think I still blame myself for it, I know I made the right decision.
Today, my T said he saw nothing but bravery in my actions. I am starting to believe him. I know the truth, even if I don’t feel it completely yet. Truth, that day, I submitted to my abuser and I did what I had to do, to save her. Truth, it was not sex, it was never, ever sex. Truth, I was horrifically and brutally raped too.