Home » My Journey » Broken.

Broken.

There’s no let up this week, it is like something has snapped, or maybe the veil fell from my eyes and revealed the truth I have long been concealing.

I feel broken.

Not newly broken, it didn’t just happen. It is more like it has been there all along and I have been kidding myself that I am OK. Busy, busy, work, work. Strive to be the best at everything, keep going from strength to strength, winning each battle, crashing through each goal.

Now the pain and the trauma has forced me to a stop, it as if it has all caught up with me and now I am stuck. Trapped in this brokenness. Trapped just like back then.

With added complications and fears at allowing others to see that vulnerability.. I feel like I have a lost a part of me. My identity that I have been striving so hard to keep, the control, power and strength I need others to see, that is part of me. And I don’t care if that’s part of the grooming, it is what I need to hold onto, it got me through then and it gets me through now. It is what pulls me from my knees when I fear I cannot go on.

Is it gone? Am I stuck in this broken mess? Will I recover from this? I have fleeting moments, perhaps even full hours, where I think it has changed or improved somehow. I am fooled into believing I am fully grounded, then it hits and I’m pulled back down.

I am doing the right things, I think? Yoga to ground today and some calming music, funny films on TV, cuddles with my children. Momentarily it helps and though they are blissful minutes, I am soon back down, where it’s now worryingly, almost familiar.  I needed this time off work to be about healing and recovery, but how is that possible when I cannot climb out of this hole? Or is this healing? Am I already doing what I need to do?

I feel alone right now. Alone and lost.

Wish me luck.

 

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8 thoughts on “Broken.

  1. I know all to well about feeling vulnerable, the holidays are the hardest for me and I have to try really hard to not let it show for my sons sake. But I know though higher intervention I get though it. So will you!!! Have a good day

  2. Wow, I could have written this verbatim. Hell of a week. It’s been 18 yrs and that damn Cosby scandal triggered these damn flashbacks that have sucked me into a hole. Life was so grand just moments ago. Now I’m in a deep fog.

    • I am so sorry you can relate! The Cosby thing has upset many I think. I am in UK and abuse cases have been all over the news for the last year or so. It has certainly impacted me.. how could it not?

      The fog will lift, give it time.

    • I hadn’t thought of it that way and you know what, it sort of clicked after I read your comment. I am feeling, I am changing, I am moving within my journey… it’s horrible, horrible stuff, but necessary. Perhaps this isn’t recovery and healing as I first thought, perhaps that comes after. It certainly doesn’t feel like recovery or down time.
      Thank you, I feel encouraged now. 🙂

  3. I feel like you just write my story from the past few months. I was off work for 56 days. That time was spent trying to heal from all the memories of abuse and incest. It was a horrible time. I spent many days sleeping and others wide awake unable to find rest. Now I feel like some days I haven’t done any work at all to heal and others implying high. I out on the healthy happy face. I pour myself into work school and family. I “shelf” my stuff, pain. I told my therapist there is a box of “stuff” I put on a shelf and it sits all pretty until something happens and triggers it and then it’s like someone dumped out all of my secret painful pieces all over the floor and I left cleaning up the mess again. It’s easier to keep it boxed up. However, as long as it’s there it gets spilled. My challenge is to empty it so there is nothing to spill out.
    It’s painful either way. I so get where you are right now

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