There’s no let up this week, it is like something has snapped, or maybe the veil fell from my eyes and revealed the truth I have long been concealing.
I feel broken.
Not newly broken, it didn’t just happen. It is more like it has been there all along and I have been kidding myself that I am OK. Busy, busy, work, work. Strive to be the best at everything, keep going from strength to strength, winning each battle, crashing through each goal.
Now the pain and the trauma has forced me to a stop, it as if it has all caught up with me and now I am stuck. Trapped in this brokenness. Trapped just like back then.
With added complications and fears at allowing others to see that vulnerability.. I feel like I have a lost a part of me. My identity that I have been striving so hard to keep, the control, power and strength I need others to see, that is part of me. And I don’t care if that’s part of the grooming, it is what I need to hold onto, it got me through then and it gets me through now. It is what pulls me from my knees when I fear I cannot go on.
Is it gone? Am I stuck in this broken mess? Will I recover from this? I have fleeting moments, perhaps even full hours, where I think it has changed or improved somehow. I am fooled into believing I am fully grounded, then it hits and I’m pulled back down.
I am doing the right things, I think? Yoga to ground today and some calming music, funny films on TV, cuddles with my children. Momentarily it helps and though they are blissful minutes, I am soon back down, where it’s now worryingly, almost familiar. I needed this time off work to be about healing and recovery, but how is that possible when I cannot climb out of this hole? Or is this healing? Am I already doing what I need to do?
I feel alone right now. Alone and lost.
Wish me luck.