Home » My Journey » Sitting with my feelings.

Sitting with my feelings.

I had a bit of an epiphany this morning as I read the comments to my post from yesterday.

Yesterday was a very bad day, I was alone much of the day, then alone with the responsibility of two children in the evening. I missed my husband and the comfort and security his presence brings. I was not in a good place at all, very afraid, paranoid and frankly quite unwell.  I was physically sick with the PTSD symptoms. I couldn’t eat, I felt like I could barely breathe at times.

I couldn’t reach out for help, I didn’t want anyone to see me in that state. As I wrote yesterday, I feel like I have lost a part of myself by doing just that earlier this week. I couldn’t ask for help, I just couldn’t.

Today is a little different, I guess I feel a little more positive. While I don’t feel better- I am as ill as yesterday, I suppose, I am just more accepting of it all. The suffocating anxiety, the deep and agonising pain and I feel more broken than ever. I have stopped fighting it though and that is a relief.

This week is not turning out to be about recovery and healing in the way I thought it might be. It is not recuperating in the way I hoped. Instead it seems to be that it is more about finally letting go of the control a bit.. however scary that may be. It seems I am finally sitting with my feelings and I think that may be more about healing and recovery than I could have ever imagined.

Admitting the truth is something I did some time ago, but feeling it is another matter. It is a whole new level of acceptance. You see, not only do I know, I remember it now. How it felt to be so trapped. Imprisoned in hell. Even when the door was wide open, there was still no way out for me. I may as well have been in chains, I could not leave. He had every part of me. He destroyed me. He broke my spirit and he shattered my soul.

And now here I sit, in this brokenness, hoping that soon, I will find the way out.

Sit with me? It is such a lonely place to be.

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10 thoughts on “Sitting with my feelings.

  1. Wow, that’s incredibly well written. You put into words exactly what I am feeling. I am also so deeply comforted by my husband but I’m desperately trying not to burden him. I hadn’t told him until yesterday even though we’ve been married 10 yrs. Telling him was a relief but now I feel like my past is in my life again for good. No more pretending.

  2. There’s a hero
    If you look inside your heart
    You don’t have to be afraid
    Of what you are
    There’s an answer
    If you reach into your soul
    And the sorrow that you know
    Will melt away

    And then a hero comes along
    With the strength to carry on
    And you cast your fears aside
    And you know you can survive
    So when you feel like hope is gone
    Look inside you and be strong
    And you’ll finally see the truth
    That a hero lies in you

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