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Ten years

Ten years since it ended. Ten years since I reported him
Ten years since he finally left me alone. Ten years since I broke free from that control
Ten years since I last saw him. Ten years of finally being safe.

And that is truly amazing. Isn’t it?
Thanks to a chat with a good friend this week, I am looking at it differently now. I see this anniversary in a new light. I got out! Me, I did it! I finally see that now. It changes so much, or at least it will in time. Fears of my safety, fear of him, fear that he could do it again- all that stuff that can paralyse me sometmes- that could finally go away!!

I cannot go into why or how, or what right now. Because it’s not just 10 years since I’ve been safe, it’s also the anniverary this month of the last time I was raped. Ten years ago he ignored my pleas and he did exactly what he wanted. Ten years ago he overpowered me. Ten years ago he violated me… again. 😦
It is a little different from the others. With all the other rapes I have disclosed, my T has been the first to hear the details. Each and every time telling my T has been the first time I have spoken the words aloud. This rape, ten years ago, I reported to the Police. Two plain clothes Police officers listened and encouraged me to describe what he did in awful, horrible detail.
Most of what I need to tell my T, I have already talked about- in a shocked, perhaps even detached state. However, I lied to the Police, or perhaps I should say, I omitted some of the details. There were things I just couldn’t bring myself to say. Things that needed to remain unsaid back then for my sanity.
Until I tell my T that whole story, I don’t think I can fully appreciate this new change. It’s in the way every time I try to explore it properly.

Am I ready to tell? Should I? Honestly, I really do not think that I am. I could tell him, but I am struggling so much, wouldn’t it be stupid to add more right now? On hold is probably for the best. Why then, such turmoil? I am sure that this is not the right time, but Ohh, this could mean the end of fears I have carried for far too long. Fear of him. Fear that he will find me. Fear that he will rape me again. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to live carrying such fear? And this could be my way out.. this IS the way out. The truth, the only thing that fits.. and I know I am probably making very little sense right now.
What do I do? Put in motion the beginning of the end to living in fear by causing myself more pain and suffering in the short term? When I think of it that way, it almost seems to be a no brainer.. suffer now for peace later. But aren’t I doing that every day anyway? Every day that I am facing this I am going through pain and suffering.. to find peace and healing within myself.
It’s on my mind, I keep seeing it, over and over. Reliving him pushing me to the floor and standing over me. And I feel him, feel what he did and remember what he said and it makes me want to be sick. Does that mean it’s time? Will ignoring make it go away? Or do I tell now to release myself from the burden of reliving it again at a later date?

I don’t want to. I don’t want to tell my T right now. I don’t want to say those horrible words out loud- again. I am so tired of disclosure. I am weary of putting into words such vile acts. I don’t want to.

Not yet, not now.

Is that my answer? How am I supposed to know? I wish someone could make this decision for me.

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5 thoughts on “Ten years

  1. I understand, disclosing previously unsaid things takes a terrible toll. It’s regurgitating all these terrible thoughts, pains, memories, body memories. It’s in a league of its own. I hadn’t known the huge impact and consequences before. But I’m doing it piece by tiny piece. And you will when you are ready. When the time feels right for you. You have lived through those terrible years of pain – you reported it – you are strong and courageous you can never doubt that. You are a survivor. Believe in yourself to manage your healing and disclosing in your time xxx

    • Thank you! I think by writing this post it pushed me to my decision. I went to bed last night still a little unsure but woke this morning with clarity. It’s not time. No new disclosure for the rest of the year. I feel relieved for having made the decision. Hopefully now the memory will go back in it’s box until I am truly ready to unpack it properly.

  2. I sure wish I knew the right thing to say to help you. I was isolated with a terrifyingly sick man for a long time when I was just 15-17. I had terrible PTSD until I was 20 or so. Flashbacks until 24 and then I just completely closed that door. I didn’t think of it again for 10 years until recently I had a flashback and just utter despair following it for about 7 days. That’s how I found your blog. I could relate to every single thing you said. But now I’ve left that space. It’s like a door opened and I left that dark room as quickly as I reentered it. I feel so relieved and I wish I could tell you how to step out of that room. It’s such a cold dark haunted place. I never want to go back. I feel 100% better. Well 99%. It may be easier for me to let it go because my perpetrator died in jail 10 yrs ago. He was a monster and the world is a better place. May you find that same peace.

    • Thank you. I am glad you were able to find a way to close that door again. With respect, that is not something I am looking for. I want to be at peace with my past, with that door is wide open, so I do not have to live in fear of it coming to find me again. I believe the way I am working it through will lead to that.
      We all have different journeys and paths, different ways to find out peace. I am so glad you have been able to find yours. I am working on mine, but confident even in these struggles, that I too will get there.

      I wish you light and love and ongoing peace.

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