I think there are big changes for me on the horizon. I should be used to it, two and half years of therapy and I am no stranger to change. I am apprehensive though at the changes that I feel are coming my way.
I am trying not to get too ahead of myself, because the reason things are changing is down to finally feeling things that I could not before. My head and my heart are all over the place. I cannot trust my emotions, I cannot control my reactions to my feelings. I am highly emotional, whether it be from joy or pain.
Along with all the emotional stuff, I am finding myself feeling increasingly dissatisfied with things that were once so familiar and so necessary for me to function. I am frustrated with aspects of my life that once brought me at least some level of contentment. Things that used to help now seem to hold me back, as if they are stunting my growth. I have this desperate yearning to be me and let others see me, but at the same time I have a great and very real fear of doing so.
My job is probably the most frustrating thing for me right now. My employer particularly. I am seeing things in him that I dislike immensely. Where I once considered him a friend, I cannot be any longer. It’s not just him, I have always been so good at my job, partly because of my organisational skills and partly, because I have always cared about the results of my work. That has changed, I just don’t care any longer. Looking back, it has been building to this, weeks here and there where I struggled to find anything left in myself that I could give to my job. Weeks where I was so traumatised, I just didn’t see how my job could matter.
Now, my work seems so superficial. In the grand scheme of things, it seems not to matter at all. I’ve seen too much suffering in a world many people ignore even exists. Going into an office and stressing about deadlines and whether a client is happy, just seems pointless. People are hurting, dying, being abused, grieving, homeless and I just don’t know how to care anymore about a job that means so little. I cannot deny or suppress or pretend that those things don’t happen. I cannot pretend to care about something that now means so little to me.
I feel- so much.. and I think this is only the beginning.
My T said it’s OK to feel a little at a time. It’s OK to face these new and frankly overwhelming feelings, as I can handle them. It’s OK to allow myself time to get used to the way I feel, to allow time to establish new boundaries with myself and other people.
If that is what I am doing and this is just a little of feeling, I am extremely nervous as to what it will be like when I am no longer holding back.
The depths of feelings I am beginning and will need to feel, should never be felt by anyone. It’s funny, I always wanted to be the same as everyone else, I was desperate not to be the victim any longer. I wanted to be “normal”. I wanted to fit in. And now that has changed because trying to be “normal” would be trying to be someone I am not. It is not about accepting a victim status or allowing my past to define me. Nor is it about wanting special treatment, sympathy or allowances made for me. Instead, it’s just simply being real with myself and other people. Anything else is denying myself and denying my past.. I have seen hell, I have lived it.. and I don’t care if you read this and think I am exaggerating or wanting attention.. because it is truth. It is my truth.
I never wanted “my story” to define me, I didn’t want to carry it with me always. I saw therapy as processing trauma and then shutting the door on it forever. I saw my past as something that was infecting my life and part of my journey was about seeking the antidote. I am not any longer. Instead, part of the vision I have, is about finding a way to feel peace within myself while simultaneously allowing the door to my past to remain open. It is about accepting those parts of me that have changed forever because of of the abuse.
I am not a victim, but I will not deny that I once was. I will not pretend it didn’t happen and that it doesn’t affect me. I am who I am, because of the way I survived an impossible and horrific situation. I am on my way to learning to be proud of that.
Who I am, no longer fits completely with the life I’ve lead over the last decade or so. Things have been changing slowly, but I think I am realising that it isn’t enough. I need to be me, free to feel and think and express myself. I need to be around people who will allow that. I need a purpose, a career that matters and means something and that meets a real need. While I am increasingly frustrated with things right now, I know it isn’t the time to make any big decisions or to implement changes all at once. How then, do I subdue this yearning? How do I continue in my job?
I am getting pretty desperate for my break over Christmas, not from therapy, but from work and other situations where I still feel I have to hide myself. Home is the only place I can really be me, it is the only place that brings me a feeling of contentment and any sense of peace.
I long for the day where I find the courage to find that in all aspects of my life, I cannot wait to truly be me.