I just about got through my final day at work (for Christmas break) before collapsing in a heap as soon as I made it through the door. After a cup of tea and watching some silly films on TV, I think I have enough energy for an evening out with my lovely husband.
It’s been so unexpected or sudden at least. It’s like I’d been holding on just for Monday 22nd at 2pm, because as soon as that time hit, I felt myself beginning to shut down.. and now I am just so, very tired. Tired of work and the stress there, tired of worrying about my poor and suffering 😦 colleague, tired of thinking, tired of feeling, tired of fighting. Just tired.
There have been many wonderful (and difficult) changes this year and many improvements, and the last few months have seen the same.. but it’s also been a mixture of traumatic and painful time for me just lately.
Christmas isn’t an easy time- an anniversary I am dreading, as well as the usual worries and stresses most people experience. I spoke of that anniversary with my T on Friday and I was bowled over by the agony that ensued. It was like a burn, throbbing and stinging, no matter what I did to try to make it stop. I even tried to embrace it, sit in it for a while, but oh, that was worse than agony- excruciating, even torturous.. ugh.
In the end it was my T who pulled me out, thank God for him, for his attentiveness and his care- I feel safer than ever with him now. I left early and came home to distract as much as possible and I guess I have been doing that since. Now, I am just tired. Tired of it all. I want very much to have a nice evening with my husband and a very quiet and calm few days. It’s about getting through as best as possible, it’s about keeping this pain at arms length, because I don’t know that I can sit in this alone, not without my T to pull me out when I cannot do it for myself.