I did not want to go near it, too afraid I would re open that wound. I have been careful not to touch it, for fear of bleeding out here alone.
So, I’ve been ignoring and distracting and at a times it has worked. But where my mind will not remember, my body does instead…
Today, I am close to it, closer than I’ve allowed since therapy last week. This time no T to rescue me. Can I do it alone? I fear it is bigger than me and my capacity to deal, but when you can’t distract any longer, when ignoring has you stuck and frozen to the spot, sometimes it’s worth the risk, is it not?
He got me that day and I don’t mean rape and I don’t mean an assault. It was and is so much worse than that. That Christmas morning he held my hands and looked into my eyes. It was an intense moment where he looked at me, like no one else ever had. It felt to me, like he was peering into my soul.
He had already stolen my innocence and in that morning he took my heart too. And all that followed after, led back to that moment…what I would take, what I would accept.
After that morning, the violence was no longer needed. Why didn’t he know that? Why didn’t he realise that I would have submitted to him? He should have known, it was why he groomed me after all. He didn’t need to use all that force. Because he had me with infatuation and he had me with his lies. He didn’t have to hit, he didn’t have to push, he didn’t have to threaten and he didn’t have to hold me down. Love was always his most effective tactic, I couldn’t have left, even if I wanted to. I was from that Christmas day, shackled by my heart.