I feel I should do some kind of new year post. You know the sort, where you reflect over the previous year- the highs, the lows, the changes, the progress. Except, I just can’t muster enough within me to examine all that the last year was for me. I am too tired and too.. well UGH (I am yet to find the language to describe the things that I feel).
In general, I am doing a little better. Better than the hell of October, better than the weeks surrounding the worst flashback I have ever experienced. Better than just before Christmas, when work stuff was making me ill. Better even than Christmas, where I was up and down like a frigging yo- yo.
So, better.. but it’s all relative isn’t it? Better than shit. Better than traumatised.
Honestly, I am tired, I hurt more than I ever thought possible and I am triggered often- I see him and I feel him.
All. The. Fucking. Time.
This morning, as I got dressed I swear, I felt him right behind me. The touch of his shirt upon my exposed skin, ugh…. oh God, he could be so fucking cruel. And just like then, it has left me cold. A cold that will not leave me today. The sort of cold that no amount of warmth can chase away.
It’s so damn tiring. Just like this morning, there have been numerous connections and associations lately, that barely even make sense. Innocent things that lead me back to him and what he did. It’s worse than it used to be because it’s not disconnected, numbness. It’s not even trauma. Instead it’s pain, anguish and grief. And such strong feelings of nausea at the truth of what he did.
The more I feel and the closer I come to true acceptance of what he did, the harder it becomes to talk about it all. And just lately, I have realised that even after all I have told my T, there are some things that I don’t think I can ever say. The details I never thought I needed to disclose, need out, but they are words that should never be uttered aloud, these are sentences that should not even exist. They are unspeakable.
I miss my T, it’s been a while- but I don’t think I can be be real with him, or anyone right now.