Home » My Journey » Disclosure at new depths (TW).

Disclosure at new depths (TW).

 

Thursday afternoon procrastination is something I know well. It is a time for therapy preparation and that is not something that I usually look forward to. I have a little less time today, due to working a longer shift. However there is certainly adequate time, should I set my mind to it. Except, that I am doing everything but.. I have cleaned a little, re arranged my flowers, taken care of my boys, made a drink, had a snack, put laundry away etc. etc. And now I am here, in the hopes that blogging about my thoughts will be enough.

I am having body memories, ongoing on and off since my last therapy session. Partly connected to my last session and some that seem disconnected right now, however it’s likely once I face it, I will find myself saying “Oh yeah, now I get why I was feeling that”.

I am back and forth between cramps- as if I were having a period and more recently, jaw/ mouth pain. The jaw and mouth pain isn’t something I usually like to admit to, mostly, because I’ve always been embarrassed and ashamed. As someone who has been a victim of rape, to talk about a body memory that includes jaw pain, it is pretty obvious what caused it. And that has always caused me much embarrassment and shame. Now I feel I can be frank. I am in pain because my body is remembering the brutal oral rapes I suffered. 

That I can be open and honest- here and with the right people- shows progress, I think? It shows that the shame has shifted somewhat, doesn’t it? I am able to admit something that previously would have me muted by such embarrassment. That has to be progress. Understandable, of course, it seems to be the way with sexual abuse particularly, but staying silent only serves to further my own discomfort and suffering. 

Body memories and flashbacks, nightmares and triggers, usually mean I need to talk about a memory with my T. Often a first disclosure, or at least re examining a previously disclosed memory, normally at a new depth. What is going on for me is both, I suppose. It’s not like others however.. these are unclear, intertwining memories.

It isn’t like I haven’t talked about oral rape with my T before, because I have, but as I blogged the other day, there are more details that need out. It’s not limited to oral rape, the stuff that is getting to me is the “day to day” stuff he did. It isn’t the big memories that sort of stand alone in my head, but the mass of memories that I haven’t been able to unpick. They are all so messy, in terms of what I remember.. things that happened all the time, over and over.

 

*Trigger warning. Survivors, please be careful.. I haven’t been overly detailed, but it does refer to my sexual abuse. *

*Friends and family, please be warned. If you don’t want to know about my abuse, please do not read any further.*

 

This stuff is close to the aspects of abuse where the control was at it’s peak. Hence my apprehension.

It was as if I was owned by him. Where I had to seek his permission for the most basic of things and do sick and horrible things  in the hopes that the permission would be granted- which it often wasn’t. This was abuse that I suffered most days/ nights when I was 14. My body was a mess from his continued rapes/ sexual assaults and the only way of coping with the pain was to create a world of my own to escape in.

These things require a new level of disclosure. Things my T is aware of from previous discussions but not at the level I need him to be. These memories need out, but in order to purge myself of the trauma that remains, I know that I have to be detailed, more so than I have ever been before.

How do I do that? It is hard enough to describe the way in which I was abused- to use the horrible words necessary to describe rape… but more details, of humiliation, of pain, of the disgusting things I remember..God, how do I tell him?

I have to find a way, because what was previously enough, simply isn’t any longer. Because I feel, more than I ever have and I guess it makes sense that what worked before is no longer sufficient. I am finding that I need to tell differently, slower than before and at a new and deeper level. 

It’s kinda funny (weird, not ha ha), how I spent years hiding this, with an absolutely desperate need to keep it all inside and now it’s quite the opposite.. the need to tell goes so deep, I feel like I have little control over it. Strangely, it kinda reminds me of childbirth.. where it doesn’t matter how much it hurts, no amount of fighting will stop that baby coming out. Your body takes over and does what it needs to do.. this is so similar in that way. My body and my mind have always known what to do to protect me, they have saved me a thousand times over. The urge to get all this out is taking over, my body is hurting and my heart is aching. I trust myself and so I will follow this instinct, which tells me, that it doesn’t matter if I refuse and it doesn’t matter how much I fight it, this stuff will come out one way or another. 

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11 thoughts on “Disclosure at new depths (TW).

  1. We talked about body memories today in therapy but not realted to sex. At the risk if sounding totally ignorant, I get the jaw pain, my throat constricts, I can’t swallow…i thought it was just anxiety. This can be a body memory as well? I don’t like to call it anything but oral rape fits for what happened to me as well. Thanks for sharing your thoughts as it makes more sense as to why I feel as I do b4 therapy. I wasn’t able to focus on anything detailed today…you did far more prep than I did. Hope that blogging helped organize your thoughts.

    • It could be anxiety or body memories. Anxiety doesnt work that way for me and body memories feel kinda like echoes to me. Its the only way i can think to describe it. It hurts for real, but i know its not, its like a trace of what was. Sometimes i struggle to know the difference when they are intense, but in general it feels different to anxiety now i am experienced with them.
      Thanks for reading, i am glad it helped you.

  2. You are not alone in this. The past couple of weeks have been full of pain for me, too. Leaving me sore, waking me up with nightmares and pain… It’s tiring, having to perpetually remind yourself, “This isn’t happening right now. It’s okay. You’re safe.” And then my period actually came. For the first time it was actually triggering to have to do what I needed to do those few days. Makes ya feel kinda crazy.

    The parallel of childbirth makes so much sense to me. I haven’t had children, but I’m experiencing something very similar to what you described. The more my body feels, the more urgency I have to talk about why I’m feeling it. In detail. Almost as though to purge myself of the pain. I’ve got the memory, but it’s so far been detached from the emotion. I feel like my body is demanding they connect and come out in words. It’s terrifying to think of saying it… but I want to get it over with. I think it’s a necessary milestone.

    Thank you for sharing honestly. Instead of being triggering, this has been bolstering to me. I know I’m not crazy. I know I’m not alone.

    Sending prayers your way, dearheart. You can do this.

    • Thank you for sharing your own experiences, I am sorry you can relate to this, it’s horrible isn’t it. I am so very glad it wasn’t triggering, but instead helped you feel less alone. Love and prayers to you too.

  3. I’m sorry you experiencing things in this manner. .I know exactly what you talking about I experience the same and recently it’s up there on the highest scale jaw pain and facial feelings . ..
    talking about it is still hard as I can’t rescue myself afterwards. ..
    I think your need to tell differently is a progress on its own and will happen . ..I’m sending lots love i think it’s amazing how growth happens !
    Take care in this .

  4. I have such respect for you for being so open and honest in a public forum about your experiences. I know that it can’t be easy. But it also is clear to me that this is not only helping you but others as well. The truth is that you have more strength, more courage than you ever imagined you had and it appears to be slowly rising within you as you go deeper, peel back more layers of the onion. To energetically replace that physical body pain memory with loving embrace for your body endured much pain but it also survived and will continue to gain in strength as you move forward. Many blessings to you for your courage, Namaste.

    • Thank you so much. It does help to be open.. helps with the shame particularly. I intend to tell my T everything and to be open and honest on here and with trusted individuals as much as is needed. After all, I deserve to heal, we all do.

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