Home » My Journey » Who am I (again)?

Who am I (again)?

Each week I seem to face the biggest therapy session to date. Bigger and scarier and deeper. What I unearthed today is worse than anything I’ve talked about and quite frankly, worse than anything I’ve been through. And that is quite a statement to make. Not a trauma, but a feeling, or set of feelings.

My T spent the last 10 mins of the session today trying to help me contain enough to be able to cope over the next week. I think it worked, I am coping already. I collected my child from school and while he was out this evening, I played with my youngest child and did the usual mummy stuff.

Perhaps I should be a sobbing, broken mess after our session today? Instead I feel sort of haunted and afraid. Haunted by how it used to be and afraid of myself.

I cannot face this. It is far bigger than me. I fear I cannot handle this, I fear I haven’t really handled anything as well as I make out. I do not let people see me, I do not even dare look for myself and now it seems I should, or more that I must.

 

I fear I am failing those who believe in me. I fear their scolding and their judgement that I feel this way. Or even worse that they will see right through me and learn who I really am.

It’s like it used to be (which is so fucking triggering), living with the knowledge and fear that it’s just a matter of time before I will be caught out. Then they will all see the truth and then I will have to face it too.

Am I lying to myself?

How do other people cope with intense fear and pain? How do others live with such shame? I swear, I feel like I am dying here. I want to run away, but how do you run from yourself?

Thank God for my children and my husband, they are my only reason right now.

 

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Who am I (again)?

  1. You cannot run from yourself. Give yourself time to process it. I’ve lived with shame interwoven into the fabric of my very being. Each person processes it their own way. What’s come up for you in therapy is shining a light on what needs to be healed. Because you are ready, even if you feel you are not. You can handle it. You will be able, it just takes time, which is the hard part. Wishing you peace.

  2. “How do other people cope with intense fear and pain?”
    I can only tell you how I do it. I just keep showing up in life. Every minute I remind myself that I am here, and I am okay, and nothing bad is happening right now. When I am afraid, I try to remember that I always feel worst when I let the storm overtake me. I remind myself that in an hour, or two, or 12, things will look different. I put on a meditation mp3 and try to breathe. I remind myself of the beautiful things in my life. I know that I am not the person I was back then. There is not one cell in my body that is physically the same. I have physically outgrown the old me long ago, and I am outgrowing the old me psychologically too. I can cut away from the past and be the new me that I am. My rules. My choices. I belong to me now. I don’t know if any of this resonates with you, but it really helps me to get through the moment-by-moment hard times. xo

  3. This is super cliché, but I use my DBT distress tolerance skills to handle this kind of intense fear and shame. I am learning how to contain myself and also how to just “surf” the emotion waves. Realizing that emotions are not permanent and just acknowledging that sometimes they’re painful and really suck has helped me refrain from the kinds of self-destructive behaviors that I used in the past to get rid of the feelings. It’s excruciating, at times, to sit through. I don’t always do it right. But I figure if I keep forging ahead in treatment, eventually they will have less and less power.

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