Things have been better.. I have felt better.
Although the nightmares have worsened and the flashbacks at times intense, I have been relaxed. I have been content.
I have felt grounded, I have felt at times a sense of peace. I have felt freedom in the good that has consistently been following the bad. I have felt powerful. I have felt strong. I have felt more like me than I ever have before.
Isn’t that incredible?
Being truly me, is the most liberating feeling I have ever experienced.. That, I know now, is the key to finding peace.
Yesterday it all came crashing down, tipped over the edge and back into reminders of what I am containing, what was done and what I still have to face. The fall was so much harder, than I ever could have imagined. Like I was pulled out of the heights of freedom, back to the depths of my hell. I hit the ground with a bump, I can tell you. I feel worse than ever right now.
I am back to feeling burdened. I am back to feeling trapped.
I am surrounded by darkness, I am stuck in this funk, again.
I am not sure I feel anything but an inescapable emptiness.
I feel as empty as I did back then. Is this a flashback, am I triggered? Is it a part of healing? Is this just a feeling?
The emptiness worries me greatly, because only one thing could ever fill that void. And that scares me, more than anything else in this world.
I long to feel as I did just a few days ago. Even while feeling pain and trauma, I remained confident and strong.
(Perhaps it is the feelings that make me more like me?!- something to explore another time?)
Where is the person I have been beginning to like? Where has she gone?