Judgement

 

 

Sometimes, I fear I am evil. Those thoughts, feelings, beliefs I hold, I have always feared that if I shared them, people would see that evil within me unfold.

On Friday I shared some of those with my T. He let me talk, he let me explore and he asked some questions, which allowed me to be sure of my feelings. I shared my fears of what other people would think if they knew. My T told me I was entitled to those thoughts and I couldn’t feel something other than what I feel. He told me my feelings were valid, he seemed to understand.

Those people in my life who really have no idea, or cannot comprehend my past, I fear they would never understand. I think, they would be shocked, I fear they would change their view of me. But I cannot help the way I feel and I am certain it will not change. So, it feels as if I am lying, hiding yet more of myself.

I struggle with that a lot, I want to be open, I want to feel able to be me. If I want to share the way I feel, or share those things that were done to me, I want to be free to do that as I want to. But how can I, when there’s so much judgement, from within me and (in my experience) from without.

 

I go through periods of praying a lot, reading my (new and beautiful) Bible, where I find I just cannot get enough. But when I’m being completely honest with myself -with my thoughts and my feelings, I find I cannot pray, or even look at that Bible.

When I’m being real, I am ashamed of myself and I get all defensive, assuming I will be judged. Then everything that was comforting me, is suddenly a trigger, even my normally much loved, devotion app. Any sort of teaching, feels like preaching because I’m so full of guilt and so laden with shame.

Right now, I feel guilty for not feeling what I think I should and I feel guilty for feeling the things I do. I am ashamed of the thoughts I have and the way I feel about some of my past.

 

And if you knew, would you judge me, the way I judge myself?

 

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Anger, God, Triggers..

This may not be all that coherent, I’m dissociating just at the thought of approaching this.

So when I began this blog I wrote a brief post about how I wanted God in my life, that I was praying, reading the Bible (though admittedly not enough) and that I was trying to move forward in a relationship with God. However, as things get harder I find I move away from that rather than towards. I have noticed that when things are easier, I feel as if I’m moving forward, I’m starting to learn, I find time to read the Bible, etc etc, but when things get harder, I get angry and I feel bitter. I struggle with rage and often it is directed at God.

I’ve not brought this up in therapy yet and I’m not sure I’ve got my head around it, but Church, God, the Bible anything around God and Christianity can be a trigger. Oh Church is so wonderful sometimes, a place where I can believe that with God in my life I can heal. Then things get bad again and that comfort becomes a trigger. I find myself running away, because it’s too painful and too hard to be in that mindset, to take part in those things again that remind me of that time.. a time, that when I am feeling so bad, is way too close.

When things are really bad, it often manifests in anger (at a lot of things), I can barely control it. I just feel so attacked all the time. Then, if I try to pray or read the Bible, or anything that reminds me, it adds to the anger.  It’s not even about the whole “why me, where were you God?” blah blah, it’s rage at wanting to move forward, to have Faith again, but when I need it the most, “God stuff” is so damn triggering and that makes me angry(ier).

I don’t even know if this makes sense? I’m just rambling I guess.

I lost control a little in T on Friday with regards to anger, it was something I was aware of but not the depth. Though, it wasn’t related, it got me thinking about how far removed I’ve felt from God lately and how close the anger is. The two seem to go hand in hand. The idea of praying causes me chest pain right now though, the idea of going to Church scares me, I dissociate at the just the thought of reading the Bible. I feel the further I get into it, the further away I am from God. It’s not what I want, when I started all this, I felt it was the beginning of finding my Faith, but that seems so far away now.

What am I supposed to do when it’s all so triggering? There are so many triggers everywhere, it makes me sick and very very angry.

I will bring this up in T when I can, I’m determined to find a way through this.

Ok, can’t do anymore right now, feel like I’m wading my way through a thick fog.

Thanks for reading.. I’ll probably cringe when i read this tomorrow.

Lord, I want to come home

I miss you,

Yes, I said it, that’s right.

Please, let me come home.

I admit it, you are my light.

 

‘Cos I cannot do this alone

I’m not the strong one

It isn’t me, it was lies,

You are my back bone

 

Without you, I am lost

held by these ties

Rescue me, I beg,

no matter the cost

 

Without you, I am nothing,

Return to me hope

‘cos I am ready to give up

how do I cope?

 

plunged into darkness

it’s not worth trying

I am lost in this abyss

It seems like they are lying

 

Guide me to truth

Grant me freedom from despair

Restore my faith

This is more than I can bear

 

Please, I am ready to come home.

 

Moments

We all have those moments,

it can’t just be me?

Those terrifying moments

that leave you wondering

how can this be?

Those days when you are ready to give up

when you want to say enough.

Even those days

interspersed with happiness

remain blighted by what was

 

So what do you do?

How do you keep going?

Would it be easier to still pretend?

You find yourself wondering

whether it will be worth it in the end.

When you find yourself alone

you are overwhelmed with these questions,

feeling too heavy emotions

that refuse to be concealed.

You just can’t take anymore

and something inside snaps,

silently you scream

as you sink to your knees.

 

You find yourself asking why

and you find yourself asking when.

You demand answers,

you demand comfort,

you demand never to be alone again.

You wait and you listen

barely daring to breathe,

perhaps for divine intervention

or a simple witness to your pain.

But there’s nothing to be heard,

you realise there’s no gain.

You wonder if your heart is breaking

as you declare “I give in”.

And you are falling

you are falling hard, you are falling fast

you hit the floor alone.

 

Laying silently, heart pounding

you curl into a ball.

Listening to your gasps of breath

you wonder “is it too late?”

You close your eyes

accepting your fate.

But there’s a stirring inside you,

calmness moving throughout.

A gentle reassurance

something deep inside,

a whisper, barely there

but one you cannot deny.

Something is willing you,

pulling you to your feet.

As you dust yourself down

calmness restored,

the realisation hits

maybe you weren’t alone afterall.

 

Why do we suffer?

Do you ever wonder why?  By that I mean, why do bad things happen? Why are people starving, why isn’t there peace? Why aren’t we ALL free? Free from persecution, free from abuse, blah blah blah..

Why doesn’t the all powerful God step in and help? Why does he watch while we suffer?

I’ve wondered why a lot, more than wondered- I’ve demanded, shouted, pleaded to know why.

My wonderful friend has warned me many times of the dangers of asking why.It is a dangerous question, because it has no real answer. Asking it isn’t all that helpful, it has never got me anywhere except further into the depths of despair and loneliness.

Who am I to ask why anyhow? Who am I to question God?

So where does that leave me?

Surprisingly (to me at least), that’s left me with the (shaky, if I’m honest!) foundations of trust and faith, a deeper need to have God in my life, a desire to get to know him better, to seek comfort in his presence.