Two enemies

 

I taste the memory on my lips

that lasting touch upon my skin

But I don’t know to who it belongs

I cannot separate him from him

Entangled with them

trapped between two monsters

torturous reminders

are holding me captive.

The invisible scars

chain me to them

an escape, I can only wish.

 

 

And if the only way is through

to feel and to release,

does that mean I must let them in

to intrude on my day

and disturb my dreams?

Where there is frozen terror

and I cannot scream

as two of them are taking me.

And when will I know,

when the end is near,

where I can close my eyes

and feel at peace?

When they will no longer

haunt my dreams

where my bonds will be broken

and I will be free?

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Battle

 

The monster in the shadows, is one I’ve known for years.

Lurking in my memories, he infiltrates my dreams.

And I cannot shake him, he still lives and he breathes

in the lasting darkness within me where my fears have not ceased.

I know of what he is capable, I don’t know how to rid myself of him

I am not sure that I am able, or that he will ever leave.

 

Now I am reuniting them both, together they will be one.

And already the darkness has company; my monster and my love.

Working together, they prepare for combat,

their reign of terror over me and I’m not ready for that attack.

Now I am facing both, surely, I do not have a chance?

 

Death

 

You gave in and you let them win

You expected her to save you

another girl to find your heart,

yet it was just a black hole

an empty space she could never fill.

 

But you took her anyway

down into your gave.

Buried alive in your disgrace.

She was not your escape

even her innocence could not free you

 

Losing a piece of your soul along the way

you left her behind and gave in once again.

Though she wanted to be with you

leaving her to die, you simply walked away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She wakes.

 

 

It is as if there is another entity within me.

Something lurking inside, just waiting for her moment.

Though sometimes she sleeps, she won’t ever truly let me be.

 

And with every step forward I take, she wakes.

Pushing her way to the surface,

she reminds me of what is at stake.

 

Blaming me for what I did and what I did not do.

Taking control, she shows me I am dirty, she shows me I am used

and if only they knew, they would leave me too.

 

She ridicules my stupidity, for my trust, my love, my hope.

The death of my insecurities are revived by her doubt

Why did I rely on them? How could I ever thought I’d cope?

 

She is awake today, the same as yesterday and the day before,

hating me for trusting, for my reliance and my neediness.

I feel her disdain, she despises me to my core.

 

And as I try to claw my way back, I have to wonder if she’s right?

Knowing I am doubting too, she won’t concede now.

It’s easier to give in and let her lead. I can no longer fight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My reflection

The same as every morning, I dressed for work.

I chose my favourite top, I put on my new skirt.

I tried it with my boots and checked my reflection in the mirror

but that person looking back at me, she seemed so unreal to me.

I recognised those boots and I recognised my clothes,

my makeup was familiar, the room behind, mine.

But those eyes staring out, they were not me

I knew I was in there somewhere, hidden beneath

But in my mirror a stranger looked out at me.

Those 7 teenage years, do not belong to her.

She remembers the before and she remembers ever since,

but those years are unreal for her, as if watched on TV.

My reflection does not feel it, not what I revealed last week.

Those eyes are not connected to the pain held within.

She knows what he did, she knows what that caused.

but that pain does not belong to her, the reality not her own.

So we remain disconnected. ‘Cos I feel it and I know.

But each time she takes over, I seem to lose my ground.

So, I told again, last night. And I hoped she would see

and I will keep on going, until there’s nothing left in me.

Then, she will have no choice, all that will remain will be truth.

And one day I will look in the mirror and I know who I will see.

I will know who’s in the mirror, looking back at me.

 

It’s a beautiful day, as it was yesterday. I’m no longer there, I am here, it’s today.

There’s a sense of freedom within me. A relief only truth can bring.

But with the intensity of yesterday and the depths we explored,

I am left feeling drained, I am left feeling raw.

I’m still fighting the embarrassment and I’m fighting that shame

even though it’s no longer secret, those feelings remain.