Epic rant- or perhaps more of a plea (and it ain’t pretty)

“Trigger warning* I haven’t held back all that much (and why the heck should I?)

 

Shiiiiit week.. completely shit. In flashback and body memory hell for a few days now. They are hitting in waves- I get a few hours at most between them. Plus lots of other stuff too- pain, anger and all manner of unwanted feelings. YUCK.

 

Therapy helped some. Advice, encouragement, some changes to goals, etc etc. 

I also had a lot of validation today too. The thing is with this being plunged back into the past, all the guilt and shame and self hatred is very close again. It’s easy to get sucked back into downplaying and minmising. It was a relief to have validation today. 

Because this was real. It is real. My T said it must feel more than a reminder, it must feel like the Police, the government and even the general public are speaking to me personally- saying all the things I heard back then and have dragged around with me for so, very long. 

It feels personal. It makes me want to find the Police sergeant who yelled at me, to tell him what his actions (or lack of) left me in. To make him see how he contributed to my guilt and then left me with it. I want him to know that he was one of the reasons I was left to be abused for 7 years. That his arresting and then releasing my abuser, not only increased the severity of my abuse, but sent the message to my abuser that he could get away with it and pretty much told me “you are on your own”. In fact, worse than that “you are on your own and it’s all your fault”. I wonder if he would sleep soundly at night, if he knew those things. I am not sure if any answer would provide me any comfort right now. How many individuals could I ask those questions to? Would it change anything?

 

How did this happen to so many people? Why was this done to so many- I don’t just mean the abuse- the response? It’s too close, it is so damn triggering.

The victim blaming, I’ve known for so long, is so real now.. it’s like being 14 again. And the memories, the trauma.

God, the brutality. 

I feel raped again right now- still. I wake up each day, and feel raped. Violated. Used. Again. Wasn’t I used enough back then?

Fucked over by too many people. I know I have to face that, but in my time- like I was doing- in control and at my own pace. The aim in therapy is to never, ever, feel like it’s happening all over again. Well it does feel that way. Like it’s being done to me, all over again. 

Fucked by my abuser (and yes pun (heartbreakingly) intended), fucked by the system, fucked by everyone who should have known better and who should be protecting teen girls, not blaming them and shaming them. Apparently teen girls don’t matter. Apparently I didn’t matter and that’s how it was and how it felt.

I don’t matter and that’s how it feels right now. I was raped- who cares? I was a teen- a girl, who apparently, should have magically known better- who should have some how preempted the grooming and the abuse and put a stop to it. Just a teen girl, who was supposed to have the power to influence the actions of a grown man. My fault, for being a girl, for having developing breasts and a vagina. My fault for enticing a man who just couldn’t resist the pull of an inexperienced, clueless, virgin. How dare I think I was more than just an object? How dare I think that as a teen girl I could possibly be worth more than a set of holes to be conquered and claimed and used?  How stupid of me, to think that I was going to be rescued from what society had groomed me and every other teen girl to be. I don’t matter.

I don’t give a shit what others say- this is a mans world. And I am so sick- physically sick, at the abuse of girls and women. We are not lesser people, we are not born to please men. Animals are treated better than women- what kind of world are we living in? Please, God, I beg you to help end this. I can’t do it, I just can’t- but someone, actually a lot of someones, have to. No one should have to feel like I do in this moment. I was last raped just under 10 years ago and right now it feels like 10 hours ago- no one should have to be violated and no one should have to go through the horror of re living it years later. No one.

End this. Please.

 

 

 

 

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Grooming, Attachment, Anger.

 

My head may explode, this week was supposed to be calmer. Work was nuts, house purchase is all systems go, children are driving me nuts, to do list is getting longer. I just wanna sit on my couch and hide from it all.

Tomorrow is therapy day, I’m looking forward to it this week, I’m desperately trying to keep a lid on my feelings. I am hoping I can release them a little with my T.

 

I have been reading up on grooming again, I find it is a need right now. While this was something I started to face and come to terms with last year, I know I am not there yet and my most recent therapy session has thrown it up again for me.

I have been reading some of the NAPAC (National Association for People Abused in Childhood) website, have you been there? I never really thought I belonged there. I don’t consider myself as someone who was a victim of child abuse. I was a teen. I hear child, I think pre pubescent. Am I the victim of child abuse?

Either way, a lot of the stuff on the website really resonates with me. Particularly as I am dealing with mixed feelings towards my abuser. It seems to be common/ normal/ expected. The  feelings I have right now, aren’t about now, they are 14 year old feelings, but they leave me confused and conflicted. It helps to know I am not alone.

 

I have known all along, that I had feelings of love for my abuser. Even though that love was out of manipulation and grooming, the way I felt was real. But following my recent therapy session, I now realise how much deeper it went.

I  think I formed a bond/an attachment to my abuser. I needed him, I really, needed him.  And as I faced his betrayal with my T on Friday, I was devastated.

How the hell am I supposed to feel about that? Sick, for one. Guilty too. I read that the bond/ attachment is normal. Yet I feel anything but normal. How could I have needed him and loved him so very much, when he hurt me in ways I didn’t believe were possible? What does that make me?

 

I know, I know- he caused that, he groomed me into needing him. He worked hard to sever my bonds with anyone else, he was cunning in isolating me from anyone and everyone else. I was so young, I needed someone. He was the only someone left. I know I am looking at it with hindsight. But I don’t know how not to blame myself.  Perhaps, because it’s easier to deal with that way? Easier than the reality? Or perhaps it’s because he ground me down so much, I still struggle with finding self worth.

Either way, it adds to my anger. The anger that I ever felt that way, the anger that I feel this way now and the anger that exists to hold down the growing pain.

It was supposed to be easier and better this week. Where’s my break? When will it end? I swear, I’m not far from my knees here.

 

 

 

Tor – ture

Milling it over

rolling over your tongue

Passing your lips

stinging at its release

 

Just a set of sounds

strung together.

Separately mere noise

just two lonely syllables.

 

But inside a courtship

dancing with one another

separate no longer

they take their vows.

 

Realisation hits

clasping your hand

to cover that escape

a futile attempt

 

For it cannot be unspoken

they are together now,

and cannot be torn apart

Their marriage. Your truth.