Christmas Love?

Christmas and I was so in love.

Excitement, danger and you.

You held my hand, pulled me close

kissing me gently, I just couldn’t let go.

I adored you in those moments.

 

I know I was abused, I know he groomed me. I know the person I loved didn’t actually exist, but that love felt so real to me. I loved my abuser. I really did. I’m ashamed of that in a way, even though I am fully aware that he was at fault, not me.

This is the first Christmas that I have fully accepted that what he did was abuse, I have accepted that he groomed me. And now I feel like he has ripped away my only good memory of him and that time- us at Christmas. Because of those moments, the ones I treasured, for years, I believed he had to love me on some level at least. That and the harder it got for us to be “together” the more he held on. I saw that as love rather than his control and arrogance. Now I don’t see those tender moments as anything but ways to get to me and to keep me.

And it leaves me angry for sure, but I also feel a sense of loss and that confuses me. It’s the sort of thing I’d take to therapy and I know my T would reassure me that it’s normal, in the way he assures me that everything I feel is OK and valid. I know he’s probably right and it’s OK to feel what I feel, but I don’t like feeling it. Anger- while I’m not comfortable with, I know I’m valid in feeling it, the same with hurt/ pain and sadness. But loss? That is not something I’m used to with this.

I guess it’s understandable given the recent anniversary that I tried to ignore, that won’t make much sense here but I cannot explain here right now (or in my own journals). But I think It makes sense to me, I think I better understand some of my own actions around that anniversary now.

Oh I’m missing my T already and it’s not even been a full week yet.

Some downtime for Christmas?

This time last week, I had just spent an hour crying down the phone to a stranger. I thought it was worth noting that I feel a whole lot better than I did last week. I’m not the wreck I was last Thursday, I’m a whole lot calmer and right now, grounded.

My boys are playing beautifully, work was quiet and relaxed and I managed to sleep without a nightmare last night, first night in well over a week (Yay!!!).  I’m also feeling better physically. I’ve been fighting some virus for about a week now, which has made me pretty miserable. To be honest, with that and the lack of sleep/ nightmares and hyper vigilance, I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself (embarrassed smiley) and incredibly grumpy. Today is the first day I can talk without pain and apart from a slight cold, I think I’m better.. woop. I am certainly less grumpy, I am sure my husband and children are relieved.

 

Tomorrow I have the day off work, I had planned to leave the baby in childcare (big boy in school) but my husband is now going to be out for the day with work-a couple of hours drive away all day (he normally works at home). I’m feeling apprehensive about it, well perhaps more a little fearful than apprehensive. I’m worried about my ability to handle both my children alone (mostly after school) tomorrow. When I am having symptoms, I know my husband can take over at any point as he’s almost always home. That safety net is really valuable to me right now. Also, I am more on edge generally due to the time of year, recent hyper vigilance etc.  A combination of those things and I made the decision to keep my baby at home with me. It means two less journeys out of the house, it also means I won’t be home alone. Which sounds ridiculous right? How does having a toddler with me make things any better? I don’t know that it will, I just know I don’t want to be alone at all at the moment.

So, tomorrow is week one of no therapy and yet it seems I still have a challenge to face (home alone and handling the responsibility of children with no back up). I’m annoyed, I was really hoping to wake on a Friday for once, without feeling apprehensive, nervous or scared.  I was really looking forward to no work, no children, just time at home, with my lovely husband close by. I was looking forward to no stress that work and children can bring and no anxiety that therapy can bring- I hoped to do “normal” stuff that every other parent (mother more likely 😉 ) is doing this time of year. I wanted to do the things I used to do this time of year. I just wanted to feel “normal” for once.

I really had way too much set on tomorrow, I put pressure on myself I guess. And now it’s not working out the way I want and it upsets me. My husband often (gently) tells me not to plan so much, because when things don’t go to plan I feel sad/ angry or whatever… He’s right, of course.Well, I guess, whether it’s therapy or a day alone, it really makes no difference, I will handle it. I will find a way through because that’s what I do. I’m confident in that at least.

A break some time soon would be good though, some “normality” perhaps? Some kinda down time at some point? I don’t need gifts, I don’t want or need to drink or stuff myself silly, I just want some of what I used to have- not the denial for sure, but some feelings of normal, some of the old me that I’ve had glimpses of over the last 6 months…

 

 

Angry

 

I am angry at everything right now, even the slow internet connection and the need to reboot my netbook before logging on this morning, has pissed me off. I want a break, I want a fucking break. I felt so good on Monday, even after a nightmare-but the nightmares have continued and the body memories began last night. I am hyper vigilant and experiencing dissociation on and off. I’m snappy and grumpy with my husband yet, he just continues to hug me and tell me he loves me- which makes me feel so guilty..

 

Perhaps this is my fault? Maybe for actually thinking I could get some down time over Christmas, or perhaps I am being greedy?  I have felt good at times this week, I’ve been more grounded than normal up until today. I have enjoyed time with my children, I have felt excitement for Christmas and the future. I’ve discussed moving house with my husband with little anxiety. I had dared to hope that I was really going to get a bit of a break. I didn’t expect miracles, but I really hoped things were going to be better for longer. I thought my downtime was beginning.

Am I expecting too much? Am I over eager? Perhaps I need to be more grateful for those wonderful good moments and for the grounded periods this week. Maybe wanting more is wrong?

 

It was an anniversary last week, which I completely ignored, I was dealing with so much other stuff that kinda took over. Perhaps this is a slightly delayed reaction to that. I almost hope it is that, because then it will pass on it’s own with time. I fear it’s not that, I fear it’s a memory that wants attention, which I am just not ready for and not just because I don’t feel ready but because I can’t. I won’t have the support of my T as of Friday for 3 weeks. I cannot face it alone. Do I need to put into practice containing? How do I contain when I don’t know what it is I’m containing?

 

I’m so angry; with me, with him, with the world and with God.

 

 

Ungrateful?

 

Another bad night, I don’t really remember much of the content of the dreams, but they were very violent and seem to be much the same each time.

I woke very shaky and hyper vigilant. My amazing husband has stayed close all morning, which has helped some. He’s been especially fantastic lately, I’m so glad to have him in my life.

I am frustrated by these dreams, in my experience (over the last year or so at least), I start to get specific nightmares, then flashbacks, that normally increase in intensity, until I am aware of what “incident”  is behind them. Then, I know I need to deal with it in therapy. I don’t want that at all right now, it’s not the right time, I’m not ready for more memories or more trauma work. I have things I need to talk about with my T after Christmas, between now and then I only have one more session. I do not have the time, nor do I want to get to the bottom of these dreams yet.

 

I am annoyed enough that I haven’t dealt with the issue of shame this side of Christmas, but had accepted and in some ways felt relieved, that I will not be dealing with it until the New year; now whatever this is seems to be screaming at me to get out. I don’t want it out right now. I will not ignore it, it will get a voice, just please, not yet.

 

In general things are improved, my irrational fears are gone, my other fears are calmer, my anxiety is much lower. I’m enjoying my children, my home, my life now. No trauma work = more grounded and  I want to hold on to that, I want to embrace that whenever I can. So, this hyper vigilance frustrates me, the dreams frustrate and frankly, scare me.

Am I being ungrateful? Perhaps I should be pleased with the improvements and accept what I can get instead of being frustrated and upset.

I just really need a break and that’s not possible with this and equally my own determination and need to always be on the go, drives me forward into each new challenge and I can’t just switch that off. I so badly want a break, some down time to enjoy that the irrational fears have gone, enjoy feeling grounded more, enjoy lack of symptoms- yet the hyper vigilance is bad, the nightmares bad and it seems to be full steam ahead in my mind, that I just can’t switch off.

 

I am looking forward to a quiet Christmas, time off work, making memories with my beautiful family, I do not want any of this past shit interfering. I am prepared for symptoms and the need to ground- but I am not ready for new memories or even old ones. I want it to be about here and now, not then, just for a short time. Am I expecting too much? Am I ungrateful? I just don’t know.