Today well and truly blows. I am tired and I am in pain and I feel all these horrible things I shouldn’t feel and don’t want to feel, but feel any way.
Nights are long and full of hideous dreams, mornings are about grounding, then I have to force myself out the door to work, when I’d give my right arm to stay at home.
I keep reminding myself that I am here, now, in 2015. It is is not 1997, I am not vulnerable, alone and being abused. I am no longer walking around with the burden of a thousand secrets. I wish it would work.
For some time now I have been able to separate my teen self from my self now, knowing what are feelings from during the abuse and what my feelings are now. Lately, it seems the line between them that was one so clear, is sort of muddied a little. I carry feelings I felt back then, and it isn’t just about releasing old feelings. If I am completely honest with myself, I know that I feel those things still. I’m embarrassed about that. I know what abuse is and what it does to people. I know that he was to blame, not me. I know that he should be ashamed and not me. Yet knowing does not change my feelings.
And this road we are headed on in therapy, is not where I want to go. I do not want to address it. I do not want to admit those truths. I do not want to accept my feelings, of who I feel I am. I am ashamed after all I’ve faced and all I now know, that I could ever feel this way.
What’s wrong with me? Why do these feelings fit so well? They shouldn’t.
When I woke this morning, I felt tortured by just that. I found myself asking my husband if he thought it possible that the me now is the lie and instead, what so many saw in me back then is the truth.
That feeling/ perception of myself is not something I can even bring myself to type here. That which for so long now, has me tripping over my words and forgetting what I am saying. That which has me lowering my eyes when I speak. That which so often prevents me from forming new relationships for fear of what they may see in me….
Have I simply become an expert at hiding what was once common knowledge about me? Moving away, starting again where I do not have to encounter the person I was back then. Am I fooling everyone so well that I have managed to fool myself too?
I cannot rely on others to tell me one way or another, it has to be what I believe for myself, doesn’t it? Except today that is much more difficult than normal. This new identity I have pursued so hard and began to embrace over the last year or so, now, all of a sudden feels so unfamiliar. I find myself feeling uncomfortable within my own skin. Right now, I feel like a stranger in my own life.
There is such conflict within me right now.
Who am I?