Who am I?

Today well and truly blows.  I am tired and I am in pain and I feel all these horrible things I shouldn’t feel and don’t want to feel, but feel any way.

Nights are long and full of hideous dreams, mornings are about grounding, then I have to force myself out the door to work, when I’d give my right arm to stay at home.

I keep reminding myself that I am here, now, in 2015. It is is not 1997, I am not vulnerable, alone and being abused. I am no longer walking around with the burden of a thousand secrets. I wish it would work.

For some time now I have been able to separate my teen self from my self now, knowing what are feelings from during the abuse and what my feelings are now. Lately, it seems the line between them that was one so clear, is sort of muddied a little. I carry feelings I felt back then, and it isn’t just about releasing old feelings. If I am completely honest with myself, I know that I feel those things still. I’m embarrassed about that. I know what abuse is and what it does to people. I know that he was to blame, not me. I know that he should be ashamed and not me. Yet knowing does not change my feelings.

And this road we are headed on in therapy, is not where I want to go. I do not want to address it. I do not want to admit those truths. I do not want to accept my feelings, of who I feel I am. I am ashamed after all I’ve faced and all I now know, that I could ever feel this way.

What’s wrong with me? Why do these feelings fit so well? They shouldn’t.

When I woke this morning, I felt tortured by just that. I found myself asking my husband if he thought it possible that the me now is the lie and instead, what so many saw in me back then is the truth.

That feeling/ perception of myself is not something I can even bring myself to type here. That which for so long now, has me tripping over my words and forgetting what I am saying. That which has me lowering my eyes when I speak. That which so often prevents me from forming new relationships for fear of what they may see in me….

 

Have I simply become an expert at hiding what was once common knowledge about me? Moving away, starting again where I do not have to encounter the person I was back then. Am I fooling everyone so well that I have managed to fool myself too?

I cannot rely on others to tell me one way or another, it has to be what I believe for myself, doesn’t it? Except today that is much more difficult than normal. This new identity I have pursued so hard and began to embrace  over the last year or so, now, all of a sudden feels so unfamiliar. I find myself feeling uncomfortable within my own skin. Right now, I feel like a stranger in my own life.

There is such conflict within me right now.

Who am I?

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Sunday conflict

I feel constricted this morning, my chest aches, my head is throbbing. I hurt.

Yesterday was OK, which is pretty remarkable (and progress) given the intensity of therapy on Friday, but today is different, for several reasons. I guess. Mostly dreams are the cause. I had some disturbing dreams early this morning.

My childhood Church featured and I am left feeling conflicted. I feel sort of churned up inside because I just do not know how to feel or what to think.

It seems that the further forward I go, the more of a need I have. The more I hurt, the more intense that need- which I guess makes sense.

I feel as if I am seeking something but I do not know exactly what that something is. I miss aspects of my past, which confuses me because those things have caused me so much damage. Part of that need is definitely tied up with those things I miss, which causes me so much conflict, because I also have a need (and want) to protect myself.

Inner conflict on a Sunday is not unusual. It is how I felt every Sunday as a teen during the abuse. It is how I have felt so often since, where I have craved the routine we had, the family day it always was, the companionship at Church and the familiarity of it all. Today, that all feels so much bigger, a huge flashing beacon, I cannot ignore. I guess that beacon has been slowly getting brighter recently..

As I type this, I am watching my two children looking out the window at their daddy who is busy gardening. Such joy, such  innocence. The love I feel for them is so strong I could weep. It makes me ache all the more. They are future, they are what matters. Letting go of my past to enable me to fully embrace what I have is the way forward. I want to let go, of it all so I can move forward, but it isn’t that simple, it isn’t just about what I want-what about what I need?

 

 

 

 

 

Fight

 

 

He asked me yesterday what fight I have inside

Could I pretend he was fear and show of what I’m made?

I told him I couldn’t do it, that I wanted to run away.

He pointed out that I fight, every single day.

 

I am stronger than I know, to ever get this far.

but I don’t just fight the past, I am in a constant battle

A struggle with myself, feeling versus control

Yesterday he saw it, the conflict in my mind

 

I lost control briefly and I was terrified

The fight was automatic, my defences kicked in

Oh it feels so good to win, almost euphoric

To feel, then regain control whenever I want it

 

He says I’m like a shaken coke bottle

barely containing, ready to explode.

I cannot continue with conflict, I need to let it go.

So the fight will no longer be my life.

 

 

 

 

A war inside

In a budding mind,

the war began.

The years drew on

the conflict enduring.

Neither triumphant nor defeated.

 

The host suffers

their constant battles,

desperate for a surrender.

Yet battles are won,

neither side is conceding.

 

Callous and stubborn

in their refusal to cease,

the war is still raging.

The future is uncertain,

but only one can be victorious.