I hate you (letter to my abuser)

 

I’m  busy hating you right now, hating you for ruining my day. When I struggle, it feels like you are taking control and that disturbs me. This is my life, mine and you don’t get to choose for me, not anymore. I feel like I’m constantly pushing you away, I feel like I’m fighting to take control and I hate that, I hate you. I wish you would back the hell off…. You aren’t even here, but what you left is so powerful, wasn’t it bad enough that you abused me back then? Why won’t you let me let you go? I blame you, I don’t care if you aren’t here, I blame you. I blame you. I’m shaking with hate right now and it’ is all for you, every bit of it.

I don’t like feeling defeated, I refuse to stay down, no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts, I will not give up. Did you cause that too? Did you make me stubborn, did your actions make me so determined to fight? I rarely fought you, but I never gave up even in those dark moments when I was so tempted to carve a little deeper. I found my strength and I chose life.

How could you do this to me? I will never understand.

Every time you raped me it felt like a part of me died, as if you were slowly killing me day by day, taking away something I thought I’d never get back. But you know what? You didn’t succeed, you didn’t kill me. I am healing, I am coming back to life. Each and every time I tell, I’m taking back what you stole.

I hope you are quivering, I hope you shake with fear like I did, I hope you are afraid, because you should be. I’m stamping you out, I’m expelling you, like poison, with my words and I will keep going until every trace of your venom has left me.

I hate you. I hate you.

 

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What did you do?

*Trigger Warning*

 

What did you do afterwards?

Did you go home? Perhaps you smoked a cigarette?  

or did you roll a spliff and reflect on what you had done?

Do you know what I did afterwards?

I cleaned up my friend and I held her as she cried

 

What did you and he talk about?

Did you compare notes? 

did you laugh at our distress?

Do you know what we talked about?

Nothing, at all; we never said a word. 

 

What did you do that night?

Did you clean up all the blood?

did you wipe away the traces of what you had done?

Do you know what I did that night?

I tried to wash you off me and tended to my wounds.

 

I will never know what you did after, I will never know what you talked about and I will never know how you felt.

But, I know what you did to me and though my voice may wobble and my hands make shake, I will tell your secret. You will no longer hide in my mind, you will not lurk in my dreams, because I will be there to confront you each and every time. I will win this time, I can promise you that. 

I am in control

I was just a child then too, barely legal, you said.

You got some kind of thrill, that I will never understand.

I was exploited, victimised, once again your conquest.

You let me take the blame, even forced it on me

I was so deeply ashamed that I could barely breathe

 

You were smug and arrogant, confident you would never be caught

I hate the injustice, of this truly messed up world

You were probably right, I doubt you’ll ever pay, but

I haven’t kept it secret, last week I told of that day

You can have this shame back, you can have that blame

 

I am in control now and you cannot win.

Yours

You said we’d run away

Just her and him

and me and you

together, we’d be the same.

And I wanted that

a promise to love me

to take care of us

to never hurt me again.

I believed you for way too long

until I could no longer bear the strain.

And it was that point

when I realised, I never had a say

I knew it would forever be pain.

It was always you and only you

who could choose the way.

I was and had been under your spell

and there was a price to pay.

Yet, you knew I would never tell

I had almost embraced my fate

until one torturous night and day

battered and broken

used and terrorised

you finally walked away.

I hoped and prayed

that is where you would stay.

Naive perhaps, stupid even

‘cos yours you told me,

forever of course,

and that’s how it would remain.

Yours, I was over and over

time and time again.

One way exit.

I think I was suicidal for a long time, longer than I realised. It was my way out for years. I held it close, it helped to know that I could choose to end it, I had that choice and it was mine, no one could take that away.

 

Trigger warning

 

When everything is too much

& you cannot take any more

you look for the exit

the way out, a door.

 

But when the exit is one way,

and there would no returning

it can leave you feeling hopeless

tormented and yearning.

 

Feeling suffocated by darkness

you are desperate for light

for the beacon of hope

to make your pathway bright.

 

You know you want change

but that doesn’t mean forever,

and it doesn’t mean no more

you aren’t talking never

 

but oh how it teases

sickeningly it’s hope in despair

that exit, that one way street

it’s a safety net that will always be there.

 

No it’s not a beacon,

but a permanent ending

not a light, or a respite,

there would be no returning.

 

Yet…oh it’s a choice

it cannot be taken away

and that brings you comfort,

enough to make it through the day.

 

Fight

 

 

He asked me yesterday what fight I have inside

Could I pretend he was fear and show of what I’m made?

I told him I couldn’t do it, that I wanted to run away.

He pointed out that I fight, every single day.

 

I am stronger than I know, to ever get this far.

but I don’t just fight the past, I am in a constant battle

A struggle with myself, feeling versus control

Yesterday he saw it, the conflict in my mind

 

I lost control briefly and I was terrified

The fight was automatic, my defences kicked in

Oh it feels so good to win, almost euphoric

To feel, then regain control whenever I want it

 

He says I’m like a shaken coke bottle

barely containing, ready to explode.

I cannot continue with conflict, I need to let it go.

So the fight will no longer be my life.

 

 

 

 

Seeking

Therapy Friday prompted me to write this, it is from how I felt during my time with him to how I feel two days on. I’m disheartened to say the least, but I know my T would scold me and tell me how much progress I’m making. Anyway, here it is. 

 

Power, control and safety

I seek their blessed freedom

Glimmers of hope he gave me

with him I could finally see

 

daring to reach out and grasp them

time whisked them away from me

In his presence I found them

but alone just a distant dream.

 

My familiar ghosts surround me

lingering, their closeness I seek

sickeningly, I find in them comfort

No fight, they lead me back home