My wish for you (to “him”)

 

Once again my thoughts turn to you and it sickens me, because you would like, that wouldn’t you? For me to think of you.

Do you remember that afternoon, when I stood up to you?

I squared my shoulders and I stared into your cold, soulless eyes. My skin was crawling, but I held your gaze. Do you remember what you said to me? I do. Every single word. And you were right, you were my first and I will never, ever forget. I remember those words often and I remember how you laughed in my face. When my thoughts turn to you, I remember what you said and Oh how it makes me hate you.

 

I often wonder what you are doing and if you are thinking of me. Have you forgotten me? Have you forgotten what you did? Have you buried it deep inside?

I’m told you have changed and for the sake of others I hope that is true, but what I hope for most, is for you to hurt the way I did.

I hope you are twisted inside right now, I hope your evil is dragging you down, down into the depths of despair.I want you to drown in your pain, suffocating on your memories. I want you to feel this torture, I want you to face that torment. And I want and I hope that it is utter agony for you.

Then maybe you’ll have a clue, some idea, of what you did to me. Maybe then, you’ll understand some of what I face every single day. Maybe then you’ll see what you left me with. And then you’ll hate you just as much as I do.

And that, is my wish for you.

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Afraid of myself?

I am a little afraid of how I feel right now, I hit depths of despair earlier today that I’ve not had in years, I had thoughts I didn’t want, fleeting, but very real. My head is in a mess, I am bouncing back and forth between symptoms, I can’t seem to think straight, I get half way through a thought and another interrupts. I am scared of myself a little bit and of how independent this feels from me. I know what I want, I know what I have, but there is such a pull back down a road I thought I’d left behind. I know I’m moving forward, I know I have a good life, but all the positives seem so far away. I feel I’m fighting a battle today and I’m afraid that right will lose. I feel like I’m screaming for help, but I don’t even know what for. I have help, I have support, I am safe and loved, I have everything and more than I could have ever hoped for. I don’t know what I want, what I’m hoping to achieve by moaning about how I feel. No one can do this for me, it has to be me. Right now I do not trust myself or my thoughts, there’s something inside telling me I’m a terrible person, that I deserved this, the shame I guess is taking over, the pain seems to be drowning me. I feel out of control and I’ve no clue what to do, except wait it out.

Maybe I just finally crashed today. Over a week of no routine, visitors in my house, having to suppress and push past my symptoms, feeling like I couldn’t be me and feeling I just couldn’t feel in general.. if that makes sense. Then the last few days I’ve been back at work, which has been crazy busy, Monday and Tuesday I came home to guests here, Wednesday, I came home to so much mess- I spent all afternoon cleaning.

I think I’m exhausted, I am stressed out, I need a break. I just don’t know when I’ll get one. I have work everyday, my boys to entertain when I get home, therapy each Friday, with the usual weekend of feeling terrible, then processing. My husband is talking about when he’ll be going camping this summer, which fills me with dread. I don’t see a break happening. I’m afraid that I’m going to crack under this pressure, I already feel like I’m on the edge. Tears keep coming, but no more than a few fall because I am afraid to fall apart. I barely made it to work today, I was late going in and I felt sort of zoned out all day. I was dissociating I guess but didn’t even try to break out of it, I was having intrusive thoughts, but grounding seemed too much effort. I am so drained.  I didn’t get chance, or couldn’t be bothered to eat today, which isn’t a good sign, I am trying to take care of myself, eating, drinking and sleeping really make a difference, I just didn’t care enough to do it today.

Tomorrow I see my T and I’m desperate to talk about the changes brought on by our last session, but I don’t know that I have the energy to go through it. I considered taking my letter with me as it explains a lot, but my printer won’t work. Maybe that’s a good thing, perhaps I need help with the basics again, reminders of what to do. Perhaps a session of his encouragement  and comfort will help rather than continuing with what we’ve been facing. That pisses me off though, I don’t want this to linger, the shame stuff I mean, I still feel those things, even with some changes in the right direction, it’s brought up more things that I need to address with him. I don’t want to put it on hold, but what choice do I have? I cannot continue progressing, I cannot face more stuff while I feel like this. I hope it just goes overnight and things can carry on as planned. Oh how I wish that happens, I cannot stand feeling this way. I could use some prayers right now.

I am not you.

I can’t even begin to explain how painful this was to write, but also can’t explain the huge release I feel right now. Sometimes, I just get this urge to write and it pours out; the biggest relief is found in those moments.

 

All I did was care

nothing but love for you,

Perhaps I thought

you could be saved

and I’d be that heroine

 

I knew you were hurt

damaged and broken

I just wanted to help

naively to fix you

but you were beyond repair

 

It could never be me

I couldn’t rescue you

It’s  like you hated me

And so you wouldn’t be alone

you tried to break me too

 

You took me down with you

we were drowning together

suffocating in your evil

but I couldn’t find my rescuer

Where was my life ring?

 

And now I’m left with this

with the echos of you,

of your words and actions

imprinted on my soul

but oh you didn’t break me

 

Yes, I am hurt

and feel so damaged

but I am not beyond repair

See, I am not you

and I never will be