Dream justice

 

Last night my dreams were of her-the one who is still enslaved.

It was her and me, we were together in solidarity.

We talked of him, of our similar scars and the hatred we carry within.

Together we planned to take him down, to see him brought to account for what he did.

The satisfaction I felt and the strength from her, was still with me when I woke

until morning approached, reality dawned and once again I was forced to face the truth,

that justice for me, for her and for them, exists only in our dreams.

 

A dream

It was a rough night and it is an incredibly painful morning, not like yesterday, which was so freeing, the pain was specific and I felt like it was time to feel that, I was ready. This morning, this feels like it’s been forced on me, my pain is a mix of then and now. I am trying to contain the memory, but desperately want to contain the feelings too, which would mean I would be suppressing it right? It’s not what I want, but oh I need to do something. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach.

I wrote this (and a whole lot more) in my journal this morning.

 

I dreamt of you

my beautiful friend

it was us and them, back then.

We were in our old hang out

all of us, a family again.

It was so vivid, so real,

I could feel your life

your energy, your strength.

I was afraid

but I was surrounded,

within your group

And in your vibrant light

I could almost pretend

that it were not ever true.

 

I woke in agony, longing for you

for that feeling and for us,

And as I cried for you and then

for us and them

I held my husband’s hand

‘cos I have to ground from you

I’m so sorry my dear

I’m just not ready for this

I have to step away

step back, step out of our world,

‘cos (and I don’t know how)

real life does goes on.

Rebuilding my world.

We all live in this world together,

But in our heads we have our own private worlds

Billions of mini hidden worlds within the world.

One day mine was destroyed. It all came crashing down

Though it was imploding, it was hidden within the shell.

I had been laying in the debris for years

lost and utterly alone.

Too much for me to handle,

I created a dream world to live in

I built walls around the destruction

until even I could no longer see it.

 

I’ve finally awoken from my dream

and the walls are coming down.

Though it feels like my world is coming to an end again

I’m merely back where I began,

laying in the debris of where it first fell apart.

This time it is different,

I am no longer lost or alone.

I am mourning for my broken world

I am weeping for what has gone,

But in the midst I am rebuilding

With help, I am picking up the pieces

to create my new and better world.

 

Seeking

Therapy Friday prompted me to write this, it is from how I felt during my time with him to how I feel two days on. I’m disheartened to say the least, but I know my T would scold me and tell me how much progress I’m making. Anyway, here it is. 

 

Power, control and safety

I seek their blessed freedom

Glimmers of hope he gave me

with him I could finally see

 

daring to reach out and grasp them

time whisked them away from me

In his presence I found them

but alone just a distant dream.

 

My familiar ghosts surround me

lingering, their closeness I seek

sickeningly, I find in them comfort

No fight, they lead me back home