I find myself afraid to sleep tonight, yet my day hasn’t been bad, in moments it was actually OK (I had a day off work with my baby and then got to see my big boy in his school play 🙂 ), right now though, I am afraid.
I’ve been dreaming a lot which has caused hyper vigilance the last few days. Last night was particularly bad. I woke afraid in the early hours, I threw myself into my husband’s arms, then once calm I slept again, only to dream the same dream once more. Again, I woke, received comfort, then straight back into the dream as I fell asleep.
I do not recall the dream at all, but I know it is similar to one I had at the weekend- which was incredibly violent. I was sweating buckets when I woke from that one. So, it certainly seems to be a trauma dream, but I can’t piece it together, I can’t recall enough to know what it is.
It leaves me afraid tonight, I don’t want to dream of him or of back then, I don’t want to wake with my heart pounding and barely able to breathe, I don’t want to wake in terror ever again. I don’t want the resulting hyper vigilance, I don’t want to have to fight that lingering fear, nor do I want to spend time trying to work out the cause. I don’t want to feel this, I don’t want to deal with it.
Have you ever seen the BFG? The Kids movie about a “Big Friendly Giant” who catches dreams then delivers the good ones to children and the bad ones he locks up tight, never to bother a child again. I want a BFG to deliver a good dream to me tonight, I want him to take away the bad ones and lock them away forever. Heck, I’d settle for just one night right now.
Disclaimer – I do not want any other parts of the BFG movie- i.e the bone crunching giants who eat children :O or even the visit to the Queen’s bedroom 😉