Dreams. Where’s my BFG?

I find myself afraid to sleep tonight, yet my day hasn’t been bad, in moments it was actually OK (I had a day off work with my baby and then got to see my big boy in his school play 🙂 ), right now though, I am afraid. 

I’ve been dreaming a lot which has caused hyper vigilance the last few days. Last night was particularly bad. I woke afraid in the early hours, I threw myself into my husband’s arms, then once calm I slept again, only to dream the same dream once more. Again, I woke, received comfort, then straight back into the dream as I fell asleep.

I do not recall the dream at all, but I know it is similar to one I had at the weekend- which was incredibly violent. I was sweating buckets when I woke from that one. So, it certainly seems to be a trauma dream, but I can’t piece it together, I can’t recall enough to know what it is. 

It leaves me afraid tonight, I don’t want to dream of him or of back then, I don’t want to wake with my heart pounding and barely able to breathe, I don’t want to wake in terror ever again. I don’t want the resulting hyper vigilance, I don’t want to have to fight that lingering fear, nor do I want to spend time trying to work out the cause. I don’t want to feel this, I don’t want to deal with it. 

 

Have you ever seen the BFG? The Kids movie about a “Big Friendly Giant” who catches dreams then delivers the good ones to children and the bad ones he locks up tight, never to bother a child again. I want a BFG to deliver a good dream to me tonight, I want him to take away the bad ones and lock them away forever. Heck, I’d settle for just one night right now. 

 

Disclaimer – I do not want any other parts of the BFG movie- i.e the bone crunching giants who eat children :O or even the visit to the Queen’s bedroom 😉 

Another dream.

 

Another dream

and it was you of course,

once again, my darling friend.

I woke with that familiar ache

I was desperate for you to stay

yet badly needed you to leave.

Because it hurt. Oh it hurts.

Believe me, you are never far

you see, it haunts me every day.

And I promise, you will have my voice

one day, but I cannot do it today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seeking

Therapy Friday prompted me to write this, it is from how I felt during my time with him to how I feel two days on. I’m disheartened to say the least, but I know my T would scold me and tell me how much progress I’m making. Anyway, here it is. 

 

Power, control and safety

I seek their blessed freedom

Glimmers of hope he gave me

with him I could finally see

 

daring to reach out and grasp them

time whisked them away from me

In his presence I found them

but alone just a distant dream.

 

My familiar ghosts surround me

lingering, their closeness I seek

sickeningly, I find in them comfort

No fight, they lead me back home