Trust. Embarrassment. Fear

Yesterday was rubbish, PTSD symptoms, fears, feelings of vulnerability. I slept very little, a combination of symptoms -dissociation, hyper in general, then a flashback in the early hours- and now I am experiencing the crash that follows.

It was a difficult day for reasons I cannot and do not want to go into here. The nightmare yesterday certainly did not help, but it wasn’t the reason for the struggles.

 

I am now feeling embarrassed at my reaction to the situation and for showing that reaction. I am going through that emotional roller coaster that seems to hit when I realise I have gone and trusted someone way more than I ever planned or thought I could (or even once thought I should).

Trust after abuse is so, so hard. I keep hoping it will get easier, but if anything it seems to be harder. More people than I could have imagined and a growing, deeper trust with a couple of those individuals- it is a scary, scary thing.

It’s good to trust isn’t it? Why can’t it feel good? It is safe to trust now, I choose the right people to trust and even then I am very careful..yet there’s always the fears that accompany any new deepening of trust. I have experienced it with my T many times as our relationship has grown and changed. Though those fears always pass somewhat, a deepening of trust feeds the fear of rejection and abandonment issues that are oh so very big right now. I hate that. Neediness is not OK, not for me. I am not OK with that.

 

Despite the fears, worries, embarrassment and exhaustion, I am doing better than yesterday. Calmer, apart from a bit of precautionary grounding that is necessary since the flashback early this morning (they tend to hit in waves), PTSD symptoms are not so bothersome as they were.

 

 

I guess no one said this journey would be easy. Life after abuse, is not easy is it?

Perhaps today will be better. At least I see my T tomorrow.

 

 

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Moaning, complaining- tired.

The more I move forward, the more I feel like me. Yet, each and every time we uncover a memory, I feel I’m back to a struggle within myself again. Wondering who I am? And whether other people see the real me?

As I grounded from a flashback at work today, I found myself wondering (again) if anyone knew? Am I transparent? Can they see my thoughts, that sick, disturbing memory that hit me? Or perhaps they see the fight within me as I battle to regain control? And then another familiar thought struck me… what if those around me right now knew the truth of my past? In particular the current issue at hand? How would they react?

Shock and disbelief, I expect? Because that’s what I feel. I have always known, but I’ve never understood. Now it’s out in front of me, it seems so much bigger somehow.

On Friday, in my session, it was if it were moving within those walls, bouncing from one side to the other, it couldn’t be ignored. Yet, I still couldn’t believe it and almost a week on, it’s still the same. The embarrassment and shame, it really does remain.

I wasn’t embarrassed when I told my T, or when I told again yesterday, but since the doubts creep in, whenever I am alone. Intellectually, I know, this is not my shame, but yet somewhere inside that feeling still exists.

It’s a common theme throughout, one I know I’ll have to face time and time again. I cannot help it, it’s not something I can control. I don’t want to be judged, yet I know I judge myself. I am ashamed of what I told. I’m ashamed that was ever me. I wish I could just let go.

I want to erase what was, scrub it from my mind. I don’t want to keep on facing this. It all seems so.. (and I hate saying this) but unfair. I lived it once, I’ve done it, I don’t want to go there again. I hate him for doing this to me, I hate him for everything.

So, can I have a “stamp my feet, it’s not fair” moment please? One where I don’t have to be strong?

I am so damn tired of it all right now. The pain, the anger, the shame, the embarrassment. I’m sick of needing my T so much, tired of being a burden on those helping me. I want it done, over with, or I want to run away.

I cannot stop the tears right now.. and I know that’s probably alright….(?)

 

 

Now that moment is over, I’ll pick myself. I’ll go back to my mothering duties and tomorrow I’ll face my demons again.

A hug would be nice. 😦

 

 

 

Victim and embarrassment

 

Last week in therapy part of our discussion was on identity and my journey in letting go of the things that were either never true or are no longer true. One thing I have consistently struggled with is embarrassment. This goes deeper than I first realised. While in some areas that embarrassment has eased (particularly with my T) I continue to struggle with it even after 20 (ish) months of therapy.

I guess the embarrassment and shame are combined, I can’t always differentiate between the two. I hope when it comes time to face that shame again, I can let go of the embarrassment too.

 

When I look at people who know of my past, I wonder what do they think of me? Do they see me as a victim? More specifically, do they see me as the rape victim? Those thoughts often cross my mind as I struggle to make eye contact- the embarrassment and shame makes it so hard.

In some ways, the more I separate from my teenage self, the more embarrassed I feel. I struggle to understand how I was taken in, I struggle to relate to the feelings I had back then, because it isn’t something that I would accept now. And while I know that’s why he picked a teen (a grown woman would not have been taken in so easily) my feelings are not so rational.

 

Lately, I feel more like me than I’ve ever felt before, yet I don’t quite know how to be me around others. What was done to me is part of me. Sure, I’m letting go of the victim identity, but what he did won’t ever just go (which is a whole other blog post) and sometimes I wonder how to be me, without denying my past.

How can I be me, the mother, the wife, the employee, the daughter, the sister etc while also a survivor of sexual abuse? How do I make all that fit together, so I can be free to be me all the time? Perhaps it will be easier once I am over the embarrassment and once I’ve let go of the shame?

Am I alone with these feelings? Is it normal? Part of the process? For now, even though I know all the reasons it shouldn’t, the embarrassment still remains.

 

I am embarrassed and ashamed that I was groomed. I am embarrassed and ashamed that I was a victim for such a long time and I am embarrassed and ashamed that I was raped.

 

I look forward to the step forward that leaves the embarrassment and shame behind.

 

Shame again?

This morning, I woke feeling a whole heap of shame. I had hoped I had seen the last of it.

I’m not quite sure what or why, I don’t have the energy to explore it much right now. I would have understood if I felt it while with my T yesterday. I told him some horrible stuff, that previously would have caused shame and embarrassment.

Before I began yesterday, we discussed our relationship some, my T asked if I was feeling embarrassed with him. I told him no and I meant it. There has been a big change recently, I have been able to tell him without fear of rejection or embarrassment. I did not feel shame while I spoke the details. It hurt, I felt outrage and I felt pain, but not shame. I felt heard, I felt understood and I felt him holding my pain. Shame was not part of that.

I can at least guess reasons behind it, but as I said, that will take energy to explore properly. Energy, I do not have, not that kind and not to face it alone. I need to though, if it doesn’t go at least. It is dragging me down, it’s so big and so destructive.

Shame tells me that I deserve to feel this way. It tells me that I’m dirty and I am used and that’s all I was and am good for. It tells me that I am kidding myself if I think I can be good for anything else. It tells me that I do not deserve the family I have, nor do I deserve those supporting me. It tells me that they’d run away from me if they only knew what I really am. It tells me to keep it to myself, it tells me to isolate. And it’s LOUD.

All those things cause a whole heap of fear and paranoia. I fear being left, I fear being rejected. I am paranoid that it’s right and I won’t always be able to conceal it; one day I will be discovered and everyone will see me for who I fear I am.

I’m shocked at the depth of it. It’s lies are powerful and hard to fight. I’m doing what I can to fight it, e.g. I’ve been seeking the comfort in my husband’s arms, that I don’t feel I deserve, but I’ve been doing it anyway. I’ve not been writing in my journals, for a few reasons (mostly because I don’t feel I can), but I have typed and will publish this, even if I feel like I’m fighting against myself. I don’t want to isolate, I don’t want to keep this to myself, I did that for years and it’s so destructive. I get tired of fighting though.

Why is it always such a fight?