Missing me.

Things have been better.. I have felt better. 

Although the nightmares have worsened and the flashbacks at times intense, I have been relaxed. I have been content.

I have felt grounded, I have felt at times a sense of peace. I have felt freedom in the good that has consistently been following the bad. I have felt powerful. I have felt strong. I have felt more like me than I ever have before.

Isn’t that incredible?

Being truly me, is the most liberating feeling I have ever experienced.. That, I know now, is the key to finding peace. 

 

Yesterday  it all came crashing down, tipped over the edge and back into reminders of what I am containing, what was done and what I still have to face. The fall was so much harder, than I ever could have imagined. Like I was pulled out of the heights of freedom, back to the depths of my hell. I hit the ground with a bump, I can tell you. I feel worse than ever right now.

I am back to feeling burdened. I am back to feeling trapped.

 I am surrounded by darkness, I am stuck in this funk, again. 

 

I am not sure I feel anything but an inescapable emptiness.

 

I feel as empty as I did back then. Is this a flashback, am I triggered? Is it a part of healing? Is this just a feeling? 

The emptiness worries me greatly, because only one thing could ever fill that void. And that scares me, more than anything else in this world. 

 

I long to feel as I did just a few days ago. Even while feeling pain and trauma, I remained confident and strong.

(Perhaps it is the feelings that make me more like me?!- something to explore another time?)

 

 

Where is the person I have been beginning to like? Where has she gone? 

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Freedom

Prisoner. 

That was a new word for me in therapy on Friday. My T seems to think it is fitting and I think he may be right.

There was no escaping the abuse, there was never another option for me. Even when everyone else could see an open door, there was no exit for me. I was a prisoner even without restraint. I was enslaved by fear, trapped by his grooming; I may as well have been in chains.

I had resided myself to my fate, even seemingly complicit in my despair. I was shackled to him and I’ve been fighting for release ever since. 

I have not known freedom for as long as I can remember. Freedom was just a word that other people used, it never had any meaning for me. My life was his, my actions a result of his own. Like dark shadows over my life, those imprints of his control still remain. So I work tirelessly to scrub away those marks in order to free myself from his grooming and control.

 

And you know what? It’s working! I am getting closer to the end. I have tasted that freedom in recent months and let me tell you, it is exhilarating.

You see, it is like he has remained with me all the years. It is as if his weight is still on my chest, crushing my lungs, just like back then. Every breath I have taken since, laboured; each inhalation, an effort and that effort is exhausting. It has been such a battle not to give in. That has been my fight everyday for over sixteen years. 

But as I reconnect with my past and work to over come the numbness that has sustained me for all this time, I am learning how to feel all that is buried within me. And with every single second of agony I allow, I find there are true moments (no matter how fleeting) where the enormous pressure is lifting and I can breathe at last.

With every uninhibited breath I am closer to my freedom. A Freedom to feel, a freedom to think, a freedom to choose and freedom to be. 

 

Freedom

 

  1. the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants.
  2. the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved.

 

It’s a beautiful day, as it was yesterday. I’m no longer there, I am here, it’s today.

There’s a sense of freedom within me. A relief only truth can bring.

But with the intensity of yesterday and the depths we explored,

I am left feeling drained, I am left feeling raw.

I’m still fighting the embarrassment and I’m fighting that shame

even though it’s no longer secret, those feelings remain.

 

 

 

 

Imprisoned memories

 

Locked in a padded room

bouncing off the sides

looking for their exit,

desperate to escape

 

They make their impression

before trampolining away.

And though the mark fades

it always leaves a trace

 

The return is inevitable

a reality that does not cease

for they are imprisioned here

until our sentence is complete

 

So repeatedly they hit

ricocheting off the sides

We await their release

with fear and bated breath

 

for one day it will be over.

With freedom granted

no more will they rebound

and no longer fade away

 

Freedom?

 

Looking in

she can almost taste it

there’s freedom near

glimmer of hope

 

shattered. It rises

flooding her lungs

surging forth, restricting

clawing at her throat

 

Surrender. Lulled

by it’s haunting

accepting her fate

she must turn away

 

Destiny. It will find her

Defiance in midst of angst

Unwavering, prevailing

Sweet Freedom

Captive

I don’t want you anymore

let me let you go

I no longer need your protection   

Please, it’s time I took the lead

 

I thank you for taking over

I love you for saving me

I owe you my life

for it was a life you gave me

 

You sacrificed yourself, 

you took my fear and anguish

and you made it your own

I could not have survived alone.

 

 

You were like an umbrella

my shelter from the storm

Like a veil, you concealed me

from the unbearable truth

 

But now I must control

No more jumping to the fore

All I seek is truth now

no matter the pain or cost

 

Once my rescuer

now you hold me captive

A slave to you still, see

you have to set me free.

 

Darlin’ I am safe now, 

please allow me to feel

relinquish your control

It is time for me heal.

 

We are safe.

 

There’s nothing here, it’s empty

but it’s freedom from that torment

the walls are unbreakable

In here she is safe.

 

Outside there’s an echo,

a pull back to reality

I can feel her try to leave me

I pull her back to where she’s safe

 

because I won’t let it penetrate here,

this is shelter from that sentence

she must remain in my refuge

here I will keep her safe.

 

One day she desires her freedom

she must see I can’t let her go now

she needs this place, we both do

here we are safe.

 

This once her haven

she now says is our prison,

she takes my hand and leads me

I realise together we are safe.