Therapy. Pain, Confusion

 

I find myself counting the hours, sometimes even the minutes; until I see my T again. Week two of this need to be with him and I don’t like it. I don’t like the neediness. I don’t like relying on him so much. Yet once I was there last week, I found myself ready to leave. The session was intense, we reached new depths of feelings, it was awesome in a way, freeing. But so horribly painful, I wanted to run away. I left exhausted and hurt.

The exhaustion may now be gone, but that hurt remains. And I don’t know what to do with it. Nothing, I guess? But it is not that simple and it is not that easy. I’m containing so much and yeah, I’m doing it well, but I can’t get my head around the reality we have faced. I cannot believe it, it doesn’t seem possible. It’s not me, not now and it was not me before, so how can this be? How was it real?

I need some reassurance right now and to know that it’s OK. Not just what I revealed, but what I feel is so unexpected, is it normal? Is it wrong?

I know what my T would say and I try to take comfort in that knowledge and to remind myself in my confusion, that whatever I feel is OK.

It’s serving its purpose, not just the opportunity to speak the truth at last, but it’s getting me where I need to be with the particular issue at hand. It’s helping me to let go of lies that I’ve held close and it’s changing the twisted perception I have, that was groomed into me. But by letting out this secret, it is as if I’ve been forced to turn around, to face the remaining lie that there was ever something good in “him”. And it’s like a punch in the stomach, winded beyond belief. I know it’s my way to more acceptance, but to an acceptance I thought I already had.

 

Yours

You said we’d run away

Just her and him

and me and you

together, we’d be the same.

And I wanted that

a promise to love me

to take care of us

to never hurt me again.

I believed you for way too long

until I could no longer bear the strain.

And it was that point

when I realised, I never had a say

I knew it would forever be pain.

It was always you and only you

who could choose the way.

I was and had been under your spell

and there was a price to pay.

Yet, you knew I would never tell

I had almost embraced my fate

until one torturous night and day

battered and broken

used and terrorised

you finally walked away.

I hoped and prayed

that is where you would stay.

Naive perhaps, stupid even

‘cos yours you told me,

forever of course,

and that’s how it would remain.

Yours, I was over and over

time and time again.

I didn’t know

I didn’t know much about love before I met you.

Sure I had crushes, Boyzone, Take That.

I even had a boyfriend once, we held hands.

But I had never loved, I did not understand

I didn’t know much about sex before I met you

I knew the biology, I had the Sex Ed.

Yet, I knew there had to be more to that.

But I had never come close, I did not understand

 

I thought you taught me love

You held my hand, you walked me home

You pulled me close and kissed me gently

You took care of me, you were protective

I thought I was embraced with love and safety.

I see it now, I know the truth

You engineered it all, it was a ploy.

You cannot love, you are not capable.

I thought our love had to be physical

Sacrificing for the sake of us

Give and take, you were well rehearsed

You took and took and I never gave,

 

I didn’t know much about love after we met

My heart not broken, it was never yours.

We had nothing together you and I,

Your role was abuser and mine the victim.

I didn’t know much about sex after we met.

No longer a virgin, yet I’d never had sex.

I see it now, we were not equals.

What you did was nothing but violence

It was not sex and never love.