Afraid of myself?

I am a little afraid of how I feel right now, I hit depths of despair earlier today that I’ve not had in years, I had thoughts I didn’t want, fleeting, but very real. My head is in a mess, I am bouncing back and forth between symptoms, I can’t seem to think straight, I get half way through a thought and another interrupts. I am scared of myself a little bit and of how independent this feels from me. I know what I want, I know what I have, but there is such a pull back down a road I thought I’d left behind. I know I’m moving forward, I know I have a good life, but all the positives seem so far away. I feel I’m fighting a battle today and I’m afraid that right will lose. I feel like I’m screaming for help, but I don’t even know what for. I have help, I have support, I am safe and loved, I have everything and more than I could have ever hoped for. I don’t know what I want, what I’m hoping to achieve by moaning about how I feel. No one can do this for me, it has to be me. Right now I do not trust myself or my thoughts, there’s something inside telling me I’m a terrible person, that I deserved this, the shame I guess is taking over, the pain seems to be drowning me. I feel out of control and I’ve no clue what to do, except wait it out.

Maybe I just finally crashed today. Over a week of no routine, visitors in my house, having to suppress and push past my symptoms, feeling like I couldn’t be me and feeling I just couldn’t feel in general.. if that makes sense. Then the last few days I’ve been back at work, which has been crazy busy, Monday and Tuesday I came home to guests here, Wednesday, I came home to so much mess- I spent all afternoon cleaning.

I think I’m exhausted, I am stressed out, I need a break. I just don’t know when I’ll get one. I have work everyday, my boys to entertain when I get home, therapy each Friday, with the usual weekend of feeling terrible, then processing. My husband is talking about when he’ll be going camping this summer, which fills me with dread. I don’t see a break happening. I’m afraid that I’m going to crack under this pressure, I already feel like I’m on the edge. Tears keep coming, but no more than a few fall because I am afraid to fall apart. I barely made it to work today, I was late going in and I felt sort of zoned out all day. I was dissociating I guess but didn’t even try to break out of it, I was having intrusive thoughts, but grounding seemed too much effort. I am so drained.  I didn’t get chance, or couldn’t be bothered to eat today, which isn’t a good sign, I am trying to take care of myself, eating, drinking and sleeping really make a difference, I just didn’t care enough to do it today.

Tomorrow I see my T and I’m desperate to talk about the changes brought on by our last session, but I don’t know that I have the energy to go through it. I considered taking my letter with me as it explains a lot, but my printer won’t work. Maybe that’s a good thing, perhaps I need help with the basics again, reminders of what to do. Perhaps a session of his encouragement  and comfort will help rather than continuing with what we’ve been facing. That pisses me off though, I don’t want this to linger, the shame stuff I mean, I still feel those things, even with some changes in the right direction, it’s brought up more things that I need to address with him. I don’t want to put it on hold, but what choice do I have? I cannot continue progressing, I cannot face more stuff while I feel like this. I hope it just goes overnight and things can carry on as planned. Oh how I wish that happens, I cannot stand feeling this way. I could use some prayers right now.

Lord, I want to come home

I miss you,

Yes, I said it, that’s right.

Please, let me come home.

I admit it, you are my light.

 

‘Cos I cannot do this alone

I’m not the strong one

It isn’t me, it was lies,

You are my back bone

 

Without you, I am lost

held by these ties

Rescue me, I beg,

no matter the cost

 

Without you, I am nothing,

Return to me hope

‘cos I am ready to give up

how do I cope?

 

plunged into darkness

it’s not worth trying

I am lost in this abyss

It seems like they are lying

 

Guide me to truth

Grant me freedom from despair

Restore my faith

This is more than I can bear

 

Please, I am ready to come home.

 

Moments

We all have those moments,

it can’t just be me?

Those terrifying moments

that leave you wondering

how can this be?

Those days when you are ready to give up

when you want to say enough.

Even those days

interspersed with happiness

remain blighted by what was

 

So what do you do?

How do you keep going?

Would it be easier to still pretend?

You find yourself wondering

whether it will be worth it in the end.

When you find yourself alone

you are overwhelmed with these questions,

feeling too heavy emotions

that refuse to be concealed.

You just can’t take anymore

and something inside snaps,

silently you scream

as you sink to your knees.

 

You find yourself asking why

and you find yourself asking when.

You demand answers,

you demand comfort,

you demand never to be alone again.

You wait and you listen

barely daring to breathe,

perhaps for divine intervention

or a simple witness to your pain.

But there’s nothing to be heard,

you realise there’s no gain.

You wonder if your heart is breaking

as you declare “I give in”.

And you are falling

you are falling hard, you are falling fast

you hit the floor alone.

 

Laying silently, heart pounding

you curl into a ball.

Listening to your gasps of breath

you wonder “is it too late?”

You close your eyes

accepting your fate.

But there’s a stirring inside you,

calmness moving throughout.

A gentle reassurance

something deep inside,

a whisper, barely there

but one you cannot deny.

Something is willing you,

pulling you to your feet.

As you dust yourself down

calmness restored,

the realisation hits

maybe you weren’t alone afterall.