I am feeling exhausted today. I get so sick of remembering. Remembering things I don’t want or need to right now. Things that are done, things that are over. And things that I am not ready for yet.
I have a day off work, to spend time with my oldest child, I am hoping somewhere in there, I can find a little time out to relax. With a trigger this weekend and some unexpected things surfacing in my therapy session on Friday, I feel like I need some time out.
I spent much of the weekend trying to work out if we can continue where we are with therapy, without facing those unexpected (and unwanted) things that came up in our session. I think we can, I hope we can. I am busy working on separating and compartmentalising in preparation for Friday.
It’s tough. It’s tiring.
To complicate matters, I had an unexpected trigger on Saturday. While I wasn’t hit by guilt and trauma, it still hurts. It really, really hurts. I have felt sort of haunted by it all weekend.
I have been dreaming of my friend each night. I wake feeling raw. I find my thoughts turning to her so often right now. Does she remember the way I do? Has she had help? Is she really OK?
I may have processed that day in therapy, but processing does not mean forgetting. I still remember.
I know the truth now- not a twisted, self blaming version, but that doesn’t make it go away. I still remember.
The crying, the screams, the panic and the crushing burden of responsibility. I still remember.
It’s been a long weekend. I am so tired of remembering right now.