Tired.

I just about got through my final day at work (for Christmas break) before collapsing in a heap as soon as I made it through the door. After a cup of tea and watching some silly films on TV,  I think I have enough energy for an evening out with my lovely husband.

It’s been so unexpected or sudden at least. It’s like I’d been holding on just for Monday 22nd at 2pm, because as soon as that time hit, I felt myself beginning to shut down.. and now I am just so, very tired. Tired of work and the stress there, tired of worrying about my poor and suffering 😦 colleague, tired of thinking, tired of feeling, tired of fighting. Just tired.

There have been many wonderful (and difficult) changes this year and many improvements, and the last few months have seen the same.. but it’s also been a mixture of traumatic and painful time for me just lately.

Christmas isn’t an easy time- an anniversary I am dreading, as well as the usual worries and stresses most people experience. I spoke of that anniversary with my T on Friday and I was bowled over by the agony that ensued. It was like a burn, throbbing and stinging, no matter what I did to try to make it stop. I even tried to embrace it, sit in it for a while, but oh, that was worse than agony- excruciating, even torturous.. ugh.

In the end it was my T who pulled me out, thank God for him, for his attentiveness and his care- I feel safer than ever with him now. I left early and came home to distract as much as possible and I guess I have been doing that since. Now, I am just tired. Tired of it all. I want very much to have a nice evening with my husband and a very quiet and calm  few days. It’s about getting through as best as possible, it’s about keeping this pain at arms length, because I don’t know that I can sit in this alone, not without my T to pull me out when I cannot do it for myself.

 

 

 

Day 2 – feeling bad.

 

Day 2 of feeling pretty bad. Yesterday a flashback first thing and body memories afterwards. Then, understandably I suppose, I had a nightmare last night and another early this morning. I’m hyper vigilant and feeling sore, I don’t know if it’s from body memories or sore from being so tense while I slept, either way it’s not helping things.

I hate feeling like this. It’s been no walk in the park dealing with pain and hurt, but it makes me feel better in a way too. Today, there’s no room for that, I’m grounding and trying to soothe myself through the hyper vigilance. I am also battling with anger. I am angry that I feel this way again, two days in a row- that was so normal just a couple of months ago, but I thought I’d left that behind- at least for now, at least while we are not doing “trauma work”.

I know it’s probably normal and to be expected, I think somewhere in there this is probably a sign of progress, perhaps  a sign of things we’ve been dealing with lately beginning to click into place. I wish I was seeing my T this week, so he could help me find that progress, so I can see that the way I feel right now is actually worth it.

I feel like I’m relying on my T like I did when I first started therapy, while now I am more able to contain the trauma side of things, I’m new to this whole feeling what I feel thing, add in trauma/ symptoms on top and I feel like I need his guidance more than ever. Is that normal? In a way it feels as if I’m going backwards, I want to be less dependent on him, not more…

 

 

Update. Therapy. Pain.

I haven’t blogged in a while, for several reasons I suppose. One big reason is because I’ve been feeling better (YAY!). Things are slightly different in therapy right now, we aren’t dealing with trauma memories as such, therefore, I’m grounded more, I struggle less with nightmares and PTSD symptoms, which makes day to day life better. But, it’s not just that, I feel better in myself, I have such hope for the future which I have  never had before. I feel excitement about my future with my family that I never experienced before. I have been calmer in general, I have been able to enjoy my children more. I’ve been able to cope alone in ways I just couldn’t before. And it’s been AMAZING.

 

Therapy the last few weeks, has been a little different to previous months. We’ve been addressing the pain I carry about certain aspects of the past (aside from the abuse). I have been facing that and have been able to release some of that pain. Which leads me to another reason why I have not been blogging.  I just haven’t really known how to blog about my experiences right now. I haven’t really known how to blog about the deep pain I carry and all the issues that have arisen from that.

 

Today, I saw my T we spent some time talking about the past- things that happened aside from the trauma. As well as releasing pain, we are working on bringing my feelings inline with what I know deep down. Last week, I left the session feeling so in control and so on a high from that control. I was feeling what I needed to feel but instead of it being about letting go of control, like I had feared, I actually felt more in control of my feelings than I ever have before. Today, was different though. I felt a shift in the way I think and feel. We covered some memories that had been lost before, things that brought about a whole heap of conflict and a whole heap more of pain.

My T says we often have a core self and then our perceived self, which is an identity that forms from the actions, expectations etc, from others. The teen years are particularly crucial when it comes to developing identity. My T says I am experiencing conflict because I’ve started to find my core self and it doesn’t fit with the all the things I thought about myself and others thought of me. My T said it’s something I will probably face repeatedly over the next few months, but eventually the true self will be all that’s left.

There seem to be lots of things are going on at once and I’m a bit overwhelmed. The deep pain I’ve buried for years is surfacing, there’s another issue, which is sort of ongoing (and not something I can blog about) and then there’s this conflict which has been brought up while trying to resolve that ongoing issue and that equals more pain.

Tonight, I hurt. My baby is sitting beside me,  my big boy is at a friend’s house. My house is bright and smells good, it’s warm and it is safe. I have a exciting future ahead and I’m so glad about those things, they help so much, but they do not take this pain away. Nothing can make it just go. My T always encourages me to let new things sit. I know right now he would say that yes, it hurts, but it’s OK to hurt if that is what I feel. I know he would tell me it’s nothing to be afraid of and it won’t last forever and he’d would tell me that I am justified in hurting, that I deserve to feel that hurt, because hurting over this, is the way forward, the way through and the way out.

No therapy next week, so there’s plenty of time for this to sit and plenty of time for me to continue challenge some of those parts of my perceived identity that do not belong. Lots of time to do what needs to be done and to feel what needs to be felt. Yet I just want to hide or run away because it hurts so much its’s like I can barely breathe. I don’t know how to feel OK that I hurt this much, not in this moment, not yet at least.

Hate and Love.

There’s so much contained inside right now that I feel as if I may burst, but I couldn’t express it today, I couldn’t let go. Every time I feel that pain I am filled with hate and I burn with rage.

I don’t want to do this, I don’t want this. How do I deal with this? I want Christmas back, that energy, those moments of peace. I want to feel alive again, not just exist.  I wrote this when I got home from T:

I won’t remember you this way, you are not a person, you are not the same as me, or anyone I know. You are the monster, you are not real, you were never real. I don’t want to see you, or to remember the way you looked, I don’t want to recall the attraction. You must remain the monster, a monster without a face, you must. You have to.

You ruined every moment of us that I held dear, every treasured memory has been tainted and for that I am grateful. I don’t want to remember you fondly, I don’t want to remember any good within you, only the bad.  It has to be that black and white, it just has to.

Your manipulation and your control is all I want to see in those many embraces and all the tender kisses I cannot scrub from my memory. I want to see your dominance and hold over me while I remember how you groomed me into loving you. And when I am hit by flashes of your scent, or I feel your touch upon me, nothing but fear and horror is acceptable. I will not miss you or find any comfort, I will not mourn for the loss, or grieve for what was. I cannot accept that conflict goes on within me because the you I loved did not exist, it was never true and it was never right.  I reject the feelings of loss, I reject the grief and I reject the heartbreak.

When I choose, I will cry over what you did and all that horrific abuse, I may cry for the loss and for the ideal, but I will not grieve for you. You will not have my tears, not over this, not for you. I will not let go, I will not cry over “our love”. You are not deserving of my tears or any more of my pain. You deserve hate, you deserve my rage, all of it, every bit of it focused on you, the real you, the monster.

 

My wish for you (to “him”)

 

Once again my thoughts turn to you and it sickens me, because you would like, that wouldn’t you? For me to think of you.

Do you remember that afternoon, when I stood up to you?

I squared my shoulders and I stared into your cold, soulless eyes. My skin was crawling, but I held your gaze. Do you remember what you said to me? I do. Every single word. And you were right, you were my first and I will never, ever forget. I remember those words often and I remember how you laughed in my face. When my thoughts turn to you, I remember what you said and Oh how it makes me hate you.

 

I often wonder what you are doing and if you are thinking of me. Have you forgotten me? Have you forgotten what you did? Have you buried it deep inside?

I’m told you have changed and for the sake of others I hope that is true, but what I hope for most, is for you to hurt the way I did.

I hope you are twisted inside right now, I hope your evil is dragging you down, down into the depths of despair.I want you to drown in your pain, suffocating on your memories. I want you to feel this torture, I want you to face that torment. And I want and I hope that it is utter agony for you.

Then maybe you’ll have a clue, some idea, of what you did to me. Maybe then, you’ll understand some of what I face every single day. Maybe then you’ll see what you left me with. And then you’ll hate you just as much as I do.

And that, is my wish for you.

Let go?

 

I don’t care that it is normal, I don’t care that I am not a freak.

All I know is that is hurts and I’m eaten up with rage

and the shame is smothering me, I feel I can barely speak.

I am trapped by these feelings, it’s as if I’m imprisoned in a cage.

I don’t want to feel that rage and I don’t want to have this pain

because it feels as if  his evil, still lurks inside of me

and it never gives in, it’s always fighting to take the reins.

I know I must let it go, or this is how it will always be

but it it sickeningly safe, I fear it is all I’ll ever know.

I am so anchored by that presence and the familiarity,

will I ever have the strength, to finally let go?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Angry.

 

It appears my “writers block” is over, I’ve written a lot in my journal today and two entries here (three now!). It’s a need rather than a want. I need to write. It is the best way to express my thoughts and feelings.

I find myself with a familiar rage that hits very suddenly, and then my thoughts begin to race. It’s incredibly intense as it grows inside me and the need to write becomes quite desperate. It pours out onto paper or here and after I sort of slump with exhaustion and relief. Perhaps dramatic, but I think writing has saved my life.

I’m feeling a lot of anger right now, I’ve been quite angry all day. I suppose I have a lot to be angry about, yes? And though it doesn’t feel like it, I am sure it’s OK to be angry.. right?

 

I am angry that I am going through this pain and suffering right now and I am angry that I ever had to go through such trauma. I am so incredibly angry that my beautiful soul friend was dragged into all this. Angry at me but mostly angry at “them”.

Sometimes I can barely believe that this was and is my life. He changed me forever, because there’s no denial, I am changed and I hate him for it. I hate him.

I hate him for grooming me and oh how I hate him for raping me and for subjecting me to torturous abuse. But I hate him most for making me fall for him.

I hate that he made me afraid of everything, I hate that even with my children, I struggle with their touch and that I have to remind myself to hug them. I hate that I flinch from my husbands embrace because of what “he” did to me. I hate that I am scared of the dark and of going out alone. I hate that I think of what he did all the time, I hate that I feel him with me, I hate that I see him everywhere. I hate that the horror intrudes on my day and that I always have to fight so hard.

Because that is what it is, a fight. Every day, every damn day. It feels as if I am constantly in a duel with him. I struggle with him as I bathe my children and as I make their breakfast. I am pushing him away as I walk to the school and kiss my child goodbye. I am fighting as I work at my desk and banter with my colleagues. I am battling with him as I pick up my children. The conflict goes on, as I help with homework and make the dinner. I go to bed exhausted and as I make love to my husband, the tussle continues. And while sleeping, I am battling in my dreams, because the fight is never ending it just goes on and on.

And I am angry, so very very angry.