I haven’t blogged in a while, for several reasons I suppose. One big reason is because I’ve been feeling better (YAY!). Things are slightly different in therapy right now, we aren’t dealing with trauma memories as such, therefore, I’m grounded more, I struggle less with nightmares and PTSD symptoms, which makes day to day life better. But, it’s not just that, I feel better in myself, I have such hope for the future which I have never had before. I feel excitement about my future with my family that I never experienced before. I have been calmer in general, I have been able to enjoy my children more. I’ve been able to cope alone in ways I just couldn’t before. And it’s been AMAZING.
Therapy the last few weeks, has been a little different to previous months. We’ve been addressing the pain I carry about certain aspects of the past (aside from the abuse). I have been facing that and have been able to release some of that pain. Which leads me to another reason why I have not been blogging. I just haven’t really known how to blog about my experiences right now. I haven’t really known how to blog about the deep pain I carry and all the issues that have arisen from that.
Today, I saw my T we spent some time talking about the past- things that happened aside from the trauma. As well as releasing pain, we are working on bringing my feelings inline with what I know deep down. Last week, I left the session feeling so in control and so on a high from that control. I was feeling what I needed to feel but instead of it being about letting go of control, like I had feared, I actually felt more in control of my feelings than I ever have before. Today, was different though. I felt a shift in the way I think and feel. We covered some memories that had been lost before, things that brought about a whole heap of conflict and a whole heap more of pain.
My T says we often have a core self and then our perceived self, which is an identity that forms from the actions, expectations etc, from others. The teen years are particularly crucial when it comes to developing identity. My T says I am experiencing conflict because I’ve started to find my core self and it doesn’t fit with the all the things I thought about myself and others thought of me. My T said it’s something I will probably face repeatedly over the next few months, but eventually the true self will be all that’s left.
There seem to be lots of things are going on at once and I’m a bit overwhelmed. The deep pain I’ve buried for years is surfacing, there’s another issue, which is sort of ongoing (and not something I can blog about) and then there’s this conflict which has been brought up while trying to resolve that ongoing issue and that equals more pain.
Tonight, I hurt. My baby is sitting beside me, my big boy is at a friend’s house. My house is bright and smells good, it’s warm and it is safe. I have a exciting future ahead and I’m so glad about those things, they help so much, but they do not take this pain away. Nothing can make it just go. My T always encourages me to let new things sit. I know right now he would say that yes, it hurts, but it’s OK to hurt if that is what I feel. I know he would tell me it’s nothing to be afraid of and it won’t last forever and he’d would tell me that I am justified in hurting, that I deserve to feel that hurt, because hurting over this, is the way forward, the way through and the way out.
No therapy next week, so there’s plenty of time for this to sit and plenty of time for me to continue challenge some of those parts of my perceived identity that do not belong. Lots of time to do what needs to be done and to feel what needs to be felt. Yet I just want to hide or run away because it hurts so much its’s like I can barely breathe. I don’t know how to feel OK that I hurt this much, not in this moment, not yet at least.