Two enemies

 

I taste the memory on my lips

that lasting touch upon my skin

But I don’t know to who it belongs

I cannot separate him from him

Entangled with them

trapped between two monsters

torturous reminders

are holding me captive.

The invisible scars

chain me to them

an escape, I can only wish.

 

 

And if the only way is through

to feel and to release,

does that mean I must let them in

to intrude on my day

and disturb my dreams?

Where there is frozen terror

and I cannot scream

as two of them are taking me.

And when will I know,

when the end is near,

where I can close my eyes

and feel at peace?

When they will no longer

haunt my dreams

where my bonds will be broken

and I will be free?

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Battle

 

The monster in the shadows, is one I’ve known for years.

Lurking in my memories, he infiltrates my dreams.

And I cannot shake him, he still lives and he breathes

in the lasting darkness within me where my fears have not ceased.

I know of what he is capable, I don’t know how to rid myself of him

I am not sure that I am able, or that he will ever leave.

 

Now I am reuniting them both, together they will be one.

And already the darkness has company; my monster and my love.

Working together, they prepare for combat,

their reign of terror over me and I’m not ready for that attack.

Now I am facing both, surely, I do not have a chance?

 

Death

 

You gave in and you let them win

You expected her to save you

another girl to find your heart,

yet it was just a black hole

an empty space she could never fill.

 

But you took her anyway

down into your gave.

Buried alive in your disgrace.

She was not your escape

even her innocence could not free you

 

Losing a piece of your soul along the way

you left her behind and gave in once again.

Though she wanted to be with you

leaving her to die, you simply walked away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Empty pain.

It hurts.

Sinking another drink

And less

Inhaling with another toke.

no more.

 

 

I see it in the mirror

blue, red

proof in the colours

black

The truth.

 

But I feel nothing

empty.

There’s nothing here

I am nothing. Empty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She wakes.

 

 

It is as if there is another entity within me.

Something lurking inside, just waiting for her moment.

Though sometimes she sleeps, she won’t ever truly let me be.

 

And with every step forward I take, she wakes.

Pushing her way to the surface,

she reminds me of what is at stake.

 

Blaming me for what I did and what I did not do.

Taking control, she shows me I am dirty, she shows me I am used

and if only they knew, they would leave me too.

 

She ridicules my stupidity, for my trust, my love, my hope.

The death of my insecurities are revived by her doubt

Why did I rely on them? How could I ever thought I’d cope?

 

She is awake today, the same as yesterday and the day before,

hating me for trusting, for my reliance and my neediness.

I feel her disdain, she despises me to my core.

 

And as I try to claw my way back, I have to wonder if she’s right?

Knowing I am doubting too, she won’t concede now.

It’s easier to give in and let her lead. I can no longer fight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a beautiful day, as it was yesterday. I’m no longer there, I am here, it’s today.

There’s a sense of freedom within me. A relief only truth can bring.

But with the intensity of yesterday and the depths we explored,

I am left feeling drained, I am left feeling raw.

I’m still fighting the embarrassment and I’m fighting that shame

even though it’s no longer secret, those feelings remain.

 

 

 

 

Beyond pain.

It’s beyond ripping off the bandage. It’s beyond exposing the wounds I’ve hidden for so long.

It’s even beyond prodding and poking to make them bleed. Today, it is beyond anything I’ve ever felt before.

It’s as if someone has reached right through me and left a giant, gaping hole.

Because, I told another secret yesterday. In those four walls that which was hidden, finally revealed.

More of that poison, expelled.

And I know it’s the way forward, because that poison has festered far too long.

Close to emotional death, my soul felt smothered; I’ve known for a while now, this is the cure.

Pain is the only way to life and the only way to thrive.