Let go?

 

I don’t care that it is normal, I don’t care that I am not a freak.

All I know is that is hurts and I’m eaten up with rage

and the shame is smothering me, I feel I can barely speak.

I am trapped by these feelings, it’s as if I’m imprisoned in a cage.

I don’t want to feel that rage and I don’t want to have this pain

because it feels as if  his evil, still lurks inside of me

and it never gives in, it’s always fighting to take the reins.

I know I must let it go, or this is how it will always be

but it it sickeningly safe, I fear it is all I’ll ever know.

I am so anchored by that presence and the familiarity,

will I ever have the strength, to finally let go?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Angry – a rant at “him”

Trigger warning- there’s a whole heap of swearing.

 

I am so angry, so very very angry. How dare you, how fucking dare you intrude on my session, my first session back with my T. How dare you force your way in like that, it was so unwanted and so unexpected. You were completely unwelcome.  

Fuck you, I hate you. I hate you so much right now. It was progress, it felt good, I was sharing, I was in control. I was reaching understanding and I was safe with my T. But you had to worm your way in and strike when I wasn’t prepared. So now it’s about that and it’s about you and I feel embarrassment that I don’t want. I’m raging.

Oh but do you know what? It makes me feel alive and so very strong. I used that rage, I grounded. I got angry and I took back control. Fuck you, I said no and I made you leave, who is the strong one now? Who is in control now.. it’s not you. I’m in charge, I choose when you come in, those sessions are mine, MINE. It is my place to feel safe, my time to talk and remember what I want to, when I want to. Your horrors will not come back to me, not there, not in my sessions, unless I invite them, in my own way, under my control. I will confront you when I am ready. You don’t get to choose. It’s about me, not you, not anymore. 

 

Exhausted now, head is killing me, but hoping that getting this out will help me re focus on today’s T session and the important issues we explored today. It seemed important to share. Thank you for taking the time read.

The Morning After

I find Saturday mornings difficult most weeks. I often feel pretty terrible. I see my T on a Friday afternoon, so I guess it’s to be expected that I will feel so bad the morning after.

It isn’t always this way, sometimes we have a really positive session and I feel on a high for a few days after. Right now though, we are doing a lot of trauma work and that is so grueling. After a session of trauma work, I often feel exhausted physically and emotionally drained. Some weeks it’s an effort just to walk back to the car.

I am finding  what we are dealing with extremely difficult, probably more so than I have done previously (which has surprised me, but that is perhaps for another post).  We are going very slowly, cautiously dealing with these things because as  much as I want it all out and over with, I have to function between sessions. I have children, a job, a house, a husband.. I can’t be a wreck all week, every week.  So slowly it is.

Saturday’s though, remain difficult. I hate it, I hate feeling the way I do right now. I hate feeling so out of control. I’m hitting one emotion, then jumping straight to another.

It begins as anger, sitting on my chest, it feels like it is restricting my lungs. It rises inside me, moving it’s way up into my windpipe. I can barely breathe as it catches in my throat. Just as I feel it is about to set itself free, it is gone…as quickly as it came.

Then, the tears begin to form, threatening to spill over, I will myself to let go. I want to be held, but cannot bear to be touched. I don’t want to be alone, yet I wish everyone would go away, because it’s so very loud inside my head, it’s chaotic and feels all consuming. The external noises, even the sound of my children playing, are sometimes just too much.  The noise feels like vibrations, so loud I feel as if it’s piercing right through me….. then once again the rage forms, once again it beings its ascent inside me.

And this is how it goes for me most Saturday mornings, I bounce back and forth between emotions, it’s conflicting and tiring. I feel discouraged and I find myself questioning why I put myself through it. It’s on mornings like these that I wonder if it’s worth it.