Choosing to heal.

 

* Trigger warning for SI*

I really want to share this with someone, it’s kinda scary to do so, but I’m going to be brave, because I think it’s important that I be honest about this.

 

I did something today. Something completely unexpected and out of the blue.

I think doing this “something” will prove to be incredibly healing for me.. the pain and the anger that vibrated through my body as I did this “something” has to be a good. It has to be healing. Because I didn’t push it back down, not this time. I let it out. I let it breathe. At least until the tears came and I was forced to ground.

This “something” isn’t altogether why I am writing, or what I want to share- mostly because I cannot share the details. Instead, it’s more about another thing that happened during this “something” this afternoon.

In the midst of what I did today,  a disturbing thought more than crossed my mind. One from back then. One that came from her- the person I used to be. This thought was about self destruction, self hate and self mutilation. And it was close, far too close.

After the “something” I did today, I knelt among the debris, breathing, shaking. Recovering. It felt like the debris was sort of calling to me – as crazy as that may sound. Even crazier, it felt like someone inside was listening. I don’t even remember doing it, but I must have reached out and taken a piece, because suddenly it was in my hand. I was dissociating somewhat, I guess. I remember being preoccupied by the way this shard caught the light. Any danger seemed so far away.  There was such temptation and there was familiarity and a great deal of need. Complex, chaotic, need. Need that can exist, no matter how empty and numb you may feel. It is a feeling, we have touched on in therapy lately…and it’s horrible. And it’s scary. It would seem that in the wrong setting, it can be dangerous also, as today has taught me.

This is where it gets hard to admit.. but I came as close as I have been in years to letting her take control. I am ashamed to admit, but I got as far as running it across my hand, more than once.

Too close. But I stepped in and I saved myself. I chose not to apply pressure. I chose instead, to feel the anger. I chose instead, to feel the pain. And most importantly, I let them both breathe. For as long as I could stand it.

Today, I think I made a huge step in healing, by this “something” I did, but more crucially, when my old self wanted to self destruct. I chose recovery,  I chose self care. I chose me.

Advertisements

The edge

*Trigger Warning*

 

Have you ever been to that edge, have you ever reached the point when you almost stepped over? All those feelings and thoughts that push you to that point, there’s so much chaos and noise pushing you further and further away from the light and towards the darkness. And then as you are teetering on the edge it’s as if all the noise and chaos is just gone and you can feel the silent, emptiness ahead. It’s your way out and there’s something so blissful about it. It is quite scary how enticing it can be.

 

I’ve been there a few times, the last time when I was dangerously close to going over, I said to my friend “I’m on the edge” and he simply said “step back from that edge”. That’s all it took. I stepped back, back into the noise, back into the chaos, but also back on the pathway towards light.

Every time I feel this way, when I fear I am moving towards that edge, I remind myself of my friend’s words, I take a deep breath and I step away.

 

Today is hard, as was yesterday and as I know tomorrow is likely to be. Sometimes, I feel ready to give in. It’s so tiring trying to fight it all the time. I feel so needy, so desperate, but I won’t go over that edge, I am certain of that. I just wish it were easier.

Release

* Trigger warning – SI*

 

What do you do

when you’ve no form of release?

No outlet for the pain,

or relief of your shame

 

No one told you it was cool

or explained it might help

It just felt so natural

to carve out the pain.

 

Or maybe you were just trying

to expel the poison inside.

I don’t think you really knew

It just felt so good.

 

Even for just a moment

you could feel something

the numbness pushed aside

while the blood was flowing.

 

Ecstacy at last

it was always so addictive

yet no one would understand

so you had to hide it

 

Hidden like everything else

more secrets and shame

such a huge burden to carry

it was a never ending cycle

 

Numb from pain and shame

then a slice of release

more shame than you could take

and around you went again.