A painfully great day

This morning  I decided today would be great. Was I setting myself up for a fall? Perhaps. I plan way too much I know that, I also know how much I hate it when things don’t go to plan.

I was feeling good though and felt sure I could have a great day. Thursday was a good day, Friday was good at first, with a rough middle and a good end. Yesterday started off OK, but a combination of hyper vigilance and  a challenging trip to town (plus a huge disappointment that I’m not ready to go into right now) led to an afternoon of exhaustion and recovery. So things have been sort of mixed. I’m thrilled though, absolutely thrilled that even among all the symptoms, I’ve managed to feel alright for a large proportion of the day. Woop, Woop, YAY.

Anyway, back to today. Because of the good feelings the last few days, I was confident in saying that today would be great. Perhaps great was setting my sights too high, perhaps I should have chosen to use the term “good” or even “OK”.

In the end, today was not easy, but I’ve been reflecting on it this evening and wondering if great has to mean brilliant, or wonderful? I could be all negative and down about it not being great, or I can CHOOSE to find the positive and even the progress that I know is there.

I was incredibly emotional today, I felt sad. I needed the comfort of my husband and children, the familiarity of my home, the smell of my laundry drying, etc. I needed here and I needed now and all the comfort that “here and now” brings to me. I cried a teeny bit, I felt down, I felt sad, I felt pain and my heart ached, my throat felt raw, my chest heavy. Yet somehow it wasn’t terrible. And though I’d be far reaching to say I felt good, it wasn’t bad, it really wasn’t. In actual fact, it was freeing. Because today I felt what I needed to feel, I was sad and hurt and I have every right to be. I felt it, I didn’t deny or suppress it. I felt it. And that’s the key, the point, the greatness that was today. I felt, I FELT.

I’ve been numb for a long time, sadness about this isn’t something I do all that often. I feel anger, I feel guilt, I feel shame, I feel abandonment even at times, but I don’t feel sadness much, not about my past. Oh I feel sadness about “stuff” surrounding it sure, about day to day things, yup, I even cry at TV shows, but this, him, that .. nope. What I felt today was new. Don’t get me wrong, it was minor, a few tears, an overshadowing of sadness, no sob fest. There are still obstacles, a wall/ issues I guess, but ultimately, I did what I needed to do, I did feel what I felt. I took that step and I let some of it out and that is great!

So maybe today didn’t go as planned, maybe I didn’t feel great in the sense I thought I would but I felt something I really needed to feel today, I took another step forward and that is great.

(hugs and hand holding wouldn’t go amiss though, great or not, it hurts!)

What? More Layers?

Layers, it’s all about those layers

Peeling one away,

excitedly, look at my achievement!

My reward? Another damn layer

I swear, grinning at me mockingly

 

But determinedly I set to work,

wiping furiously at my cheeks,

tears, trying to out my frustration.

Well versed, I begin to pick at the corner,

desperately trying to grasp the edge

 

that next layer will come away, oh believe me

that sucker is coming up, no doubt

there is no way this is beating me now.

Because one day I’ll reach my reward

you’ll see, no more layers waiting for me.

 

The Morning After

I find Saturday mornings difficult most weeks. I often feel pretty terrible. I see my T on a Friday afternoon, so I guess it’s to be expected that I will feel so bad the morning after.

It isn’t always this way, sometimes we have a really positive session and I feel on a high for a few days after. Right now though, we are doing a lot of trauma work and that is so grueling. After a session of trauma work, I often feel exhausted physically and emotionally drained. Some weeks it’s an effort just to walk back to the car.

I am finding  what we are dealing with extremely difficult, probably more so than I have done previously (which has surprised me, but that is perhaps for another post).  We are going very slowly, cautiously dealing with these things because as  much as I want it all out and over with, I have to function between sessions. I have children, a job, a house, a husband.. I can’t be a wreck all week, every week.  So slowly it is.

Saturday’s though, remain difficult. I hate it, I hate feeling the way I do right now. I hate feeling so out of control. I’m hitting one emotion, then jumping straight to another.

It begins as anger, sitting on my chest, it feels like it is restricting my lungs. It rises inside me, moving it’s way up into my windpipe. I can barely breathe as it catches in my throat. Just as I feel it is about to set itself free, it is gone…as quickly as it came.

Then, the tears begin to form, threatening to spill over, I will myself to let go. I want to be held, but cannot bear to be touched. I don’t want to be alone, yet I wish everyone would go away, because it’s so very loud inside my head, it’s chaotic and feels all consuming. The external noises, even the sound of my children playing, are sometimes just too much.  The noise feels like vibrations, so loud I feel as if it’s piercing right through me….. then once again the rage forms, once again it beings its ascent inside me.

And this is how it goes for me most Saturday mornings, I bounce back and forth between emotions, it’s conflicting and tiring. I feel discouraged and I find myself questioning why I put myself through it. It’s on mornings like these that I wonder if it’s worth it.