Therapy. Pain, Confusion

 

I find myself counting the hours, sometimes even the minutes; until I see my T again. Week two of this need to be with him and I don’t like it. I don’t like the neediness. I don’t like relying on him so much. Yet once I was there last week, I found myself ready to leave. The session was intense, we reached new depths of feelings, it was awesome in a way, freeing. But so horribly painful, I wanted to run away. I left exhausted and hurt.

The exhaustion may now be gone, but that hurt remains. And I don’t know what to do with it. Nothing, I guess? But it is not that simple and it is not that easy. I’m containing so much and yeah, I’m doing it well, but I can’t get my head around the reality we have faced. I cannot believe it, it doesn’t seem possible. It’s not me, not now and it was not me before, so how can this be? How was it real?

I need some reassurance right now and to know that it’s OK. Not just what I revealed, but what I feel is so unexpected, is it normal? Is it wrong?

I know what my T would say and I try to take comfort in that knowledge and to remind myself in my confusion, that whatever I feel is OK.

It’s serving its purpose, not just the opportunity to speak the truth at last, but it’s getting me where I need to be with the particular issue at hand. It’s helping me to let go of lies that I’ve held close and it’s changing the twisted perception I have, that was groomed into me. But by letting out this secret, it is as if I’ve been forced to turn around, to face the remaining lie that there was ever something good in “him”. And it’s like a punch in the stomach, winded beyond belief. I know it’s my way to more acceptance, but to an acceptance I thought I already had.

 

 

It’s a beautiful day, as it was yesterday. I’m no longer there, I am here, it’s today.

There’s a sense of freedom within me. A relief only truth can bring.

But with the intensity of yesterday and the depths we explored,

I am left feeling drained, I am left feeling raw.

I’m still fighting the embarrassment and I’m fighting that shame

even though it’s no longer secret, those feelings remain.

 

 

 

 

Dream justice

 

Last night my dreams were of her-the one who is still enslaved.

It was her and me, we were together in solidarity.

We talked of him, of our similar scars and the hatred we carry within.

Together we planned to take him down, to see him brought to account for what he did.

The satisfaction I felt and the strength from her, was still with me when I woke

until morning approached, reality dawned and once again I was forced to face the truth,

that justice for me, for her and for them, exists only in our dreams.

 

Let me

 

I can’t breathe

Holding me down

covering my mouth,

you won’t let me speak.

 

I want them to know,

the truth must be told

But I’m held too close

I cannot escape.

 

You are too heavy,

I’m facing my death

A thousand times over

And it doesn’t change.

 

Let me go

Let me breathe

Let me speak

And let me live.

 

 

 

 

 

Love, Sex, Relationships and Truth

I am in the long and painful process of learning to accept my past, what it really was, what I was a victim of, what he was, what he did.. all that horribly painful stuff. To get my head around it, I’m writing, avoiding, distracting, then writing again.

After writing “I didn’t know”  today, it got me really thinking about my experiences of love, relationships and sex. What was done to me was none of those, I was not in love, he did not love me. We were not in a relationship, we never had sex. It’s something I need to continually remind myself of right now. I appreciate the reminders I get from those in my “Circle of Trust” too. I certainly need them.

I believe I’ve only ever loved one man, my husband. Prior to him there was a pretty serious relationship with a lovely guy, but I am positive I didn’t love him. I cared deeply for him, yet I wasn’t able to love him. It was similar story with who I consider to be my first boyfriend. I cared for him, I believed I loved him, but after experiencing the love I have for and with my husband, I don’t think I ever loved either of those guys.

I have no intention of getting into the history of my boyfriends nor my sexual history, it is helpful though, to compare my experience with the abuser to the experience with boyfriends and more importantly, with my husband now. The experiences are completely different, yet I’ve been lumping them in together for years. I believed my “first time” was at 14, I believed he was a boyfriend. I did not choose it, I did not want it, there was never consent, therefore it was not sex and so it was not my first time. It was violence, never sex. It was control, never a relationship. I was groomed into believing it was sex, love and a relationship. I was trained to respond in the way he wanted me to. I was so traumatised that I buried the reality, instead distorting the facts until I found a version of reality I could handle. 

I’ve felt real love since then, I’ve been in good relationships and I’ve had amazing sex. Those experiences could not be more different from the abuse. Equal love, mutual intimacy. I have been and I am treated with respect, I am adored for who I am.  I can’t say it’s all been plain sailing, particularly in regards to sex, it’s something my husband and I have had to and continue to work at.  He has learned to read me, to recognise the signs that I am triggered (as my response is to freeze). This is true of every aspect of our relationship, not just with sex. He is in tune with me, almost all of the time. It’s amazing and wonderful to be loved in such a way. It is freeing to say I know what good sex is and I know what it means to be treated equally. I give consent freely, I am not controlled by my husband. Our love and our intimacy is for us, both of us, together.

What the abuser did to me, is such a polar opposite of what I have now. That was no relationship in any shape or form, there was never consent, it was not sex. He was the abuser, he groomed me, my responses were from his grooming, his training, his manipulation and his complete control. It was all abusive, not because it was a abusive relationship, but because it was “simply” abuse, “just” abuse. Nothing else. Nothing. 

It’s painful, but it helps. It helps with the guilt and self blame. I cannot even begin to explain how this kind of guilt eats away inside. It’s been such a burden to carry, one that hasn’t left me, but it is lighter for sure. I have felt as if I have been carrying such a weight of shame, dirty secrets hidden deep down, poisoning my system. The reality is difficult, but it’s not like the alternative reality has been any easier to live with. It’s new, it’s scary, but it’s truth. Truth is the only way forward.  So I will continue to remind myself of what he really did, who he is and what it was. I will continue to re process memories, to remove the distortion and denial until there is nothing but truth left.

Hidden truth

I had therapy today, it was rough. It was so horrible to talk about vile details, I feel terrible. But we faced those things, we pushed past the shame to reveal the truth underneath. It hasn’t gone away, but we exposed it for what it really is. The shame I feel is from lies, it isn’t mine, but sometimes the line between truth and lies doesn’t seem clear. Talking it out helps me find the truth hidden there.

 

The hideous truth

hidden in silence.

Silent from her shame

built by devious lies

 

Lies that were forced,

fed to her over and over

like a poison spreading

blackening her light.

 

The truth was distorted

twisted and warped

until finally it was lost

and the lie was her truth

 

But today we faced it

and tore away at shame

until silence was broken

and real truth could be exposed

 

Captive

I don’t want you anymore

let me let you go

I no longer need your protection   

Please, it’s time I took the lead

 

I thank you for taking over

I love you for saving me

I owe you my life

for it was a life you gave me

 

You sacrificed yourself, 

you took my fear and anguish

and you made it your own

I could not have survived alone.

 

 

You were like an umbrella

my shelter from the storm

Like a veil, you concealed me

from the unbearable truth

 

But now I must control

No more jumping to the fore

All I seek is truth now

no matter the pain or cost

 

Once my rescuer

now you hold me captive

A slave to you still, see

you have to set me free.

 

Darlin’ I am safe now, 

please allow me to feel

relinquish your control

It is time for me heal.