I am so angry, so fucking angry. Every time I think I get it under control, it is there again. Everything is winding me up, even the children. Things I would normally find mildly irritating, have me incandescent with rage. A red mist I cannot see through, a grip on my chest, so tight I can barely breathe.

I hurt, all over, I am overwhelmed by memories. I want it all to go, to fucking leave me alone. Maybe it’s the anniversaries, the toll of this month, or the knowledge that I have therapy tomorrow- where I know it will all come out. I don’t know, but I want to hit something, or break something.. do something.

I HATE them, I HATE him, I HATE every single person who caused this- and it wasn’t just one. So many people did nothing, so many turned a blind eye, so many who just didn’t fucking care, because they couldn’t and probably still can’t see past themselves. I hope I am never that selfish, I never, ever want to be like them.

Perhaps they think I didn’t matter, just a teen girl- I should have expected it right? WRONG.  I wish I could say that it has changed since then, I wish what I went through was an isolated case, not an epidemic, which it seems to be. We live in a close minded, selfish, judgmental society. The media have a lot to answer for. The BBC continue to report on cases of child abuse, using the phrase “Child Sex Abuse”


It has nothing to do with sex. All those people who failed me… they told themselves I was off the rails, they told themselves I’d fallen for an older man and then they shamed me for “sleeping” with him. I didn’t! What he did was abuse. It was rape. It was not sex. For goodness sake, when will these attitudes change? I can’t do this, I can’t live with this. I cannot live in a world so fucked up it blames victims of abuse and rape. Where’s the exit? Because I wanna leave until this changes.

It’s too hard, too painful and it is feeding the shame I am desperately trying to rid myself of. It leaves me carrying secrets that are too heavy for one person to bear. It leaves me terrified to share with those who are supposed to care. I cannot report, I cannot tell people, I cannot seek justice. I will be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life (or at least his), unable to return to my home town, always being careful who knows where I live. Paranoid and terrified. His fault, their fault. Not my fault.

And it’s not just me, every other survivor I have crossed paths with has similar to say. The victim of Ched Evans for example, she had to change her name, she had to leave her home town, she will have to suffer for the rest of her life. He has been convicted of rape, yet still people think he’s innocent. How is this OK? She has her rapist convicted and still she is blamed. What hope is there for the rest of us?

We are living in a mans world and I am fucking sick of it.




I hate feeling this out of control, it triggers me, it feels so unlike me. I see “him” when I feel angry, what he looked like when angry and it just makes things worse…





Feeling angry, attacked and violated.

I wish I could have spent several hours with my T. He gets it.. he really gets it. He said he thought of me this week when the news over Rotherham hit headlines this week..

Today, he was leaning forward in his seat, watching me carefully, trying to tease out the way I feel about all of this.

His concern and his understanding certainly worked as I exploded with anger and pain, I was shaking so badly, I could barely get the words out.


I am angry for the victims. I am angry at the victim blaming. I am angry with the Police, with Social services and every other person who failed and continues to fail victims of sexual abuse. It is too personal, too close to what I have been discussing in therapy of late.

I am angry for myself, for the failings of others. I am angry that the Police did nothing, that they shouted at me and made me feel ashamed. I am angry at the Drs who said nothing, the teachers who did not report it….

Too many people saw, but chose not to really see what was going on.


I am angry that the new footing I have found seems to be lost. It’s like a backward step in my own self belief. I have only just reconnected with the rest of the world. Only just become confident enough in what I believe and what I know.. and now I am being dragged back. Dragged back into a world I wish did not exist, one that abused me and let me be abused, one that left me to be repeatedly raped by a violent and sadistic child abuser.


Earlier I told my T I feel as if I have been raped again.

I am triggered and I am hurting. I feel like the world is against me, I am even arguing with my husband over his innocent comments- that I am finding fault with. I considered leaving, taking the car and just driving, driving far away… but the cries of my children playing stopped me. How can I do anything but cope?



The Media and Reporting of Rape.

*Trigger Warning*- please be careful.


In general I avoid the news, but one story landed in my inbox this afternoon:

Max Clifford found guilty of eight indecent assaults.

I just skim read to be honest, mostly because I am struggling a great deal with triggers.

After reading this part:


“He later forced her to perform oral sex on him”


I knew I had to post.

I hate the way media reports rape. Perhaps this is just me, but as a survivor of rape, this kind of reporting fills me with rage. If I had my way, the word “sexual” would be taken out completely – but that is another rant.

Forced penetration of the mouth by a penis is classed as rape in the UK. This became part of the Crown Prosecution Services’ Policy in May 2004. 

Unfortunately, because this particular case took place prior to May 2004, I believe Max Clifford was tried for Indecent assault(s) not for rape (again, I have not looked into this too much as yet, so I am speculating a little). While this is frustrating in itself, it is not what bothered me the most.

What really made my blood boil was the BBC- and I am sure others, refer to this horrific rape as Max Clifford forcing the young girl (around 15 years old, I believe) to perform oral sex on him.

It was not sex! It has nothing to do with sex at all.

A victim of oral rape (and it was rape whether it took place before 2004 or not), or any rape for that matter does not engage in sexual activity. She or he was not forced into an act of sex. As far as I am concerned rape and sex are in no way the same.

Rape is an act of violence. To make the issue about sex rather than violence it is to downplay the crime. Furthermore, to relate rape to sex in any way is very likely to place a whole heap of shame onto the innocent victim.

Shame on you BBC  and  all the many other sources of media who continue to report rape (and personally I consider all acts of sexual VIOLENCE as rape) as “forced sex”.


This has to change if we are going to end the silence surrounding rape.

This has to change if we are going to put a stop to the victim blaming.

This has to change if there is ever going to be an end to the shame with which those who were once victims are so often burdened.



Rape and clothing- a link.

*Trigger Warning*


The link speaks for itself.

Sexual Assault Survivors Answer The Question “What Were You Wearing When You Were Assaulted?”



PJs, jeans, dress, skirt, school uniform, jogging trousers, nothing at all. It didn’t matter what I was wearing, I was raped anyway.


If you have been raped, please remember your clothing had no bearing over what was done to you. Rapists rape because they are rapists.

Causes of Rape.

A little rant for a Sunday evening.

What is it with society thinking women in short skirts/dresses are “asking for it”? It’s a rape myth. I think people hold on to that (ridiculous) idea because it’s easier to victim blame than to admit the truth. The truth being that more rapes occur in the victims own home, perpetrated by someone they know, than by strangers in an alley way. Stranger rape is a lot rarer than a lot of people seem to realise.

It is absurd, it really is. I hear and read so often, that somehow the victim’s clothes are a factor in rape. This suggests rape is about sex , it suggests men cannot control their sexual urges (which frankly, is offensive to all the decent men out there). It suggests that by wearing a short skirt, the female is indicating she is sexually available. Clothes have nothing to do with consent and rape is not about sex. Rape is about power, rape is about control, it is about dominance, it is about humiliation, rape is a way to feed the rapists ego.. etc etc. I was not forced to have sex, I was not forced to perform sex acts. I was raped.

I wore short skirts sometimes, dresses occasionally but mostly I wore jeans or combat trousers or school uniform trousers or jogging trousers, or at times long skirts. What I and every other rape victim wore is irrelevant. It didn’t matter whether I was in a short skirt or in jeans, the rapes took place anyway. My clothes did not mean I was asking for it, my behaviour did not mean I was asking for it. I was raped because I was in the presence of a rapist.

Rape has nothing to do with the victim’s behaviour or dress, nothing at all. The only cause of rape is the rapist. It is as simple as that.