Such hate filled me yesterday and that is not me. I am entitled to feel angry, I know that well, but it isn’t me, it isn’t who I am, or who I want to be. It doesn’t end with hate, it cannot be the way through this. I love, it is what I do and what I want to do. I put others before me- I worry endlessly about being selfish.. am I selfish? I love where it isn’t reciprocated, I take the hurt, to protect others. I have sacrificed myself for others, at great cost to myself.. why do I fear I am selfish?
Today, this week.. for the last 15 yrs…I am suffering because of a sacrifice I made. I am deeply ashamed of what I had to do in order to save someone else. I don’t regret that I put her first, I’d do it again if it were the only way..but I hate the way in which I had to do it.
I wasn’t selfish then, I wasn’t capable of that because I knew I didn’t matter. I learned that soon after it began. The one who loved me most and I her too, I’d have died for her that day and in a way I guess I did. And since a thousand deaths I swear, carrying the secrets of how I got us through.
I felt it on Wednesday, on the anniversary of that day, the pain searing through my body, trying to make me face the reality of that day and what I had to do. As I fought that truth, the pain only worsened, filling me with rage, until I could contain it no longer.
And now the dark secret is coming into the light and that deep shame, working it’s way through me- hopefully on it’s way out. I cannot think of anyone but myself. It’s a viscous cycle, I am ashamed that I am ashamed. I am ashamed that I am thinking of myself before her. Before anyone. It was her hell, hers and she deserves to be held and loved, and comforted. Protected and kept safe. Hers. Not mine. I cannot claim it as mine too.. but oh this shame, this pain. The horror.
How do I learn to take care of myself without the guilt? How do I put myself first without hating myself for selfishness? Am I selfish? God, if you only knew the things I did, would you even care..
I long for the morning now, for the life and energy of my children. I long for the light, for the comfort that night will never bring.