Thank you.

Writing lots this evening, I feel so much pain, I hurt so much, it is a release to write about it and particularly to direct it at the person who caused all this. It’s hard because while writing helps and I feel like I need to face him in this way, it makes me feel closer to him and that scares me, it sickens me too, lots of stuff there that gets in the way sometimes, stuff for my therapy sessions for sure.

It’s been a difficult few weeks, each day I’ve had those thoughts of “I can’t do this anymore” today is no exception, but I notice change. I am working towards an end of sorts, I am aware I am in the midst of a breakthrough. I have so many realisations, true realisations where I am feeling as well as knowing. They are freeing but burden me at the same time. I have been numb for so long and now I feel, it’s blessed relief, but agony, I want it, but want it gone too.

This is hard, really really hard. I am so very grateful for  those who continue to support me, including strangers on the internet, I am astounded by the support I am receiving by people who do not even know me or didn’t know me just a year ago. I struggle some,I find it hard to take the support without thinking I owe that person, I worry about what I can do to thank them, or to give back. I sometimes feel very small, I can’t imagine I can do anything to help others, or to pay back those helping me.. so I am especially grateful for the help I am getting- sometimes it feels as if I am not deserving.

Those with me, I feel you uplifting me in those moments of despair when I think I just cannot carry on with this journey in therapy. You are amazing individuals and I thank you.

As I was writing this,  I just had a flashback, I am aware of the trigger.. a song I think.  I am having lots of “mini” ones at the moment, by “mini” I mean they are over quickly, they are mostly smells and sounds that don’t fit with any specific memory, they are just him, or back then…the impact is by no means mini, they cause body memories which I really don’t handle well.

I reminded myself of what I had just written, that I am not alone, I do have support.. thank you.

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I choose light.

I feared we were the same

A mirror image of each other

Shame Vs Shame

Pain Vs Pain

 

But when I met you I was happy

I was innocent

You were so badly broken

So far gone.

 

Beaten and abused

twisted into a mere thing

a hard shell

tormented inside.

 

And you did it to me

twisted my thoughts

used and abused me

until I felt like you.

 

But it isn’t that way,

we were nothing alike

even back then,

I found a way through

 

Look at me now,

I may be tormented

and I hurt like hell,

But I am moving forward.

 

We chose different paths

you and I.

You chose darkness

and I will always choose light.

I have cried for evil

I have cried for evil,

Yes, I wept for him

Yet he was not deserving

night after night

my tears were wasted on him

 

And now I fear they are depleted

perhaps I have but a finite store?

Those left feel so precious.

Though I know I am deserving,

I do not cry for myself

 

Despite endless nights of torment

used over and over again

I continued to hurt for him.

I forgave him with my comfort

I gave permission with my tears

 

Ridiculed for feeling what he should

it was a weakness in his eyes,

But unlike him I was not broken,

I could feel all of his pain

and I shed my tears for him.

 

Until he took me with him

Down into depths of despair

Where I could no longer feel at all

I was hardened to all of his pain

and numb to what he inflicted.

 

And all because I cried for evil,

because I wept for his pain

I just wanted to fix him

to repair his shattered soul

in order to save us both

 

 

 

Not doing so well.

I felt a little better after my therapy session Friday, I don’t want to go into that right now, but I left feeling lighter in some ways but so much heavier in other ways. It’s heading in the right direction at least.

Today, I feel really terrible again, but different to Thursday when I wrote that post “Afraid of myself?”. That day I was drowning in shame and so exhausted I just couldn’t fight it at all. Today, I hurt and while pain is better than all that shame, the shame hasn’t gone, there’s just a load of pain piled on top. I ache, I know I need to let it out, but that in itself is an issue, I can’t right now.

I made it to Church this morning, for the first time in weeks, I wish I hadn’t. I felt awkward and separate from everyone. I felt alone, like I was just watching everyone else from the outside. I could see and hear, but I couldn’t reach them. I was probably dissociating though. I felt like a fraud I suppose, I felt like I didn’t belong, I kept thinking, “why am I here?”

I so often feel when I am in Church. I mean really feel, more than I’ve ever been able to anywhere else. I usually cry when I go to there, I often feel comforted and its a release, sometimes I just get triggered and wish I hadn’t gone, but today it was neither of those. I wasn’t triggered nor did I want to cry. I waited until I got to my car to do that. I think I didn’t want the release or the comfort, it’s all complicated and long, but this is how I was with my T on Friday. He encouraged me to “let go” he could see I was fighting it, but I didn’t want to and I didn’t want to today either. I don’t feel ready or able and quite frankly, I am afraid.

So anyway, I came home to an empty house, my husband and boys were visiting my parents. I probably should have enjoyed some “me time” but I couldn’t, I cleaned, then sat around waiting for them to come home. I wanted to be with them or I wanted to be in my home town and so I was angry and hurt, because I don’t choose this. None of this is a choice and that opens up all sorts of anger- sick of never seeming to have a choice with this, blah blah blah.

A week tomorrow, my employers go away for 2 weeks, so this week and the next two at work will be demanding and stressful. All the responsibility is on me ,as it’s a tiny company and I’m the only one out of the three staff remaining that has the experience to run it (the other two haven’t been there as long). I feel unwell, I desperately want some time off, even though the routine helps, I am pulled in so many directions. My employer is lovely, but after a conversation on Friday, proved to me he doesn’t understand in any way at all.

I suppose, I feel like most parents do, unable to have enough time or energy  to give all to anything. I feel like I am failing as a mother, as a wife, as an employee and I feel unable to give my all to therapy. I neglect relationships, I make too many errors at work and while therapy is progressing well, I don’t have the time or energy to do all the work in between, so it’s prolonging the agony..

I don’t really have anyone to come and help out, it’s pretty much me, my husband and my children. Most of my family are in my home town where I don’t want to be and through no fault of their own, they can trigger me too. I have a few friends, that I used to see regularly, but due to their own busy lives, I’ve not really seen for almost a year (though I get to see one in two weeks for a few hours, yay!).  Something has to give, I can’t do this anymore. Everyone tells me I am strong, I know I must have been to get this far, but right now I cannot seem to find that strength to draw on.

I am pretty sure I am driving everyone nuts, from the outside (and this is pretty much the conversation I had with my employer Friday) it looks as if I have gone from being happy and together, to a mess, as if starting therapy has caused it. I don’t think many understand how much I was hiding before. It’s always been this way, but it was buried, I ignored it, in some ways it was hidden from me too (see “Me Versus Me”).

I feel like hell and all I can seem to do is moan about it.

Release

* Trigger warning – SI*

 

What do you do

when you’ve no form of release?

No outlet for the pain,

or relief of your shame

 

No one told you it was cool

or explained it might help

It just felt so natural

to carve out the pain.

 

Or maybe you were just trying

to expel the poison inside.

I don’t think you really knew

It just felt so good.

 

Even for just a moment

you could feel something

the numbness pushed aside

while the blood was flowing.

 

Ecstacy at last

it was always so addictive

yet no one would understand

so you had to hide it

 

Hidden like everything else

more secrets and shame

such a huge burden to carry

it was a never ending cycle

 

Numb from pain and shame

then a slice of release

more shame than you could take

and around you went again.

 

Your role, my role.

 

I thought we were bound,

together forever

chained by our pain

holding your shame

 

But giving it to me

was just a temporary release

your shame remains

you will carry it forever,

 

It eats away at you

until you can no longer ignore it

I know this so well

because you infected me too

 

But our pain is different.

we weren’t drowning together

You had your role

and I had mine.