Thank you.

Writing lots this evening, I feel so much pain, I hurt so much, it is a release to write about it and particularly to direct it at the person who caused all this. It’s hard because while writing helps and I feel like I need to face him in this way, it makes me feel closer to him and that scares me, it sickens me too, lots of stuff there that gets in the way sometimes, stuff for my therapy sessions for sure.

It’s been a difficult few weeks, each day I’ve had those thoughts of “I can’t do this anymore” today is no exception, but I notice change. I am working towards an end of sorts, I am aware I am in the midst of a breakthrough. I have so many realisations, true realisations where I am feeling as well as knowing. They are freeing but burden me at the same time. I have been numb for so long and now I feel, it’s blessed relief, but agony, I want it, but want it gone too.

This is hard, really really hard. I am so very grateful for  those who continue to support me, including strangers on the internet, I am astounded by the support I am receiving by people who do not even know me or didn’t know me just a year ago. I struggle some,I find it hard to take the support without thinking I owe that person, I worry about what I can do to thank them, or to give back. I sometimes feel very small, I can’t imagine I can do anything to help others, or to pay back those helping me.. so I am especially grateful for the help I am getting- sometimes it feels as if I am not deserving.

Those with me, I feel you uplifting me in those moments of despair when I think I just cannot carry on with this journey in therapy. You are amazing individuals and I thank you.

As I was writing this,  I just had a flashback, I am aware of the trigger.. a song I think.  I am having lots of “mini” ones at the moment, by “mini” I mean they are over quickly, they are mostly smells and sounds that don’t fit with any specific memory, they are just him, or back then…the impact is by no means mini, they cause body memories which I really don’t handle well.

I reminded myself of what I had just written, that I am not alone, I do have support.. thank you.

I choose light.

I feared we were the same

A mirror image of each other

Shame Vs Shame

Pain Vs Pain

 

But when I met you I was happy

I was innocent

You were so badly broken

So far gone.

 

Beaten and abused

twisted into a mere thing

a hard shell

tormented inside.

 

And you did it to me

twisted my thoughts

used and abused me

until I felt like you.

 

But it isn’t that way,

we were nothing alike

even back then,

I found a way through

 

Look at me now,

I may be tormented

and I hurt like hell,

But I am moving forward.

 

We chose different paths

you and I.

You chose darkness

and I will always choose light.

I have cried for evil

I have cried for evil,

Yes, I wept for him

Yet he was not deserving

night after night

my tears were wasted on him

 

And now I fear they are depleted

perhaps I have but a finite store?

Those left feel so precious.

Though I know I am deserving,

I do not cry for myself

 

Despite endless nights of torment

used over and over again

I continued to hurt for him.

I forgave him with my comfort

I gave permission with my tears

 

Ridiculed for feeling what he should

it was a weakness in his eyes,

But unlike him I was not broken,

I could feel all of his pain

and I shed my tears for him.

 

Until he took me with him

Down into depths of despair

Where I could no longer feel at all

I was hardened to all of his pain

and numb to what he inflicted.

 

And all because I cried for evil,

because I wept for his pain

I just wanted to fix him

to repair his shattered soul

in order to save us both

 

 

 

Loving him.

She went on loving him

holding him in her heart

while he shared his pain

and showed her his demons.

 

With a naive resolve

she swore to change him

to chase away his ghosts

in a bid for her freedom.

Not doing so well.

I felt a little better after my therapy session Friday, I don’t want to go into that right now, but I left feeling lighter in some ways but so much heavier in other ways. It’s heading in the right direction at least.

Today, I feel really terrible again, but different to Thursday when I wrote that post “Afraid of myself?”. That day I was drowning in shame and so exhausted I just couldn’t fight it at all. Today, I hurt and while pain is better than all that shame, the shame hasn’t gone, there’s just a load of pain piled on top. I ache, I know I need to let it out, but that in itself is an issue, I can’t right now.

I made it to Church this morning, for the first time in weeks, I wish I hadn’t. I felt awkward and separate from everyone. I felt alone, like I was just watching everyone else from the outside. I could see and hear, but I couldn’t reach them. I was probably dissociating though. I felt like a fraud I suppose, I felt like I didn’t belong, I kept thinking, “why am I here?”

I so often feel when I am in Church. I mean really feel, more than I’ve ever been able to anywhere else. I usually cry when I go to there, I often feel comforted and its a release, sometimes I just get triggered and wish I hadn’t gone, but today it was neither of those. I wasn’t triggered nor did I want to cry. I waited until I got to my car to do that. I think I didn’t want the release or the comfort, it’s all complicated and long, but this is how I was with my T on Friday. He encouraged me to “let go” he could see I was fighting it, but I didn’t want to and I didn’t want to today either. I don’t feel ready or able and quite frankly, I am afraid.

So anyway, I came home to an empty house, my husband and boys were visiting my parents. I probably should have enjoyed some “me time” but I couldn’t, I cleaned, then sat around waiting for them to come home. I wanted to be with them or I wanted to be in my home town and so I was angry and hurt, because I don’t choose this. None of this is a choice and that opens up all sorts of anger- sick of never seeming to have a choice with this, blah blah blah.

A week tomorrow, my employers go away for 2 weeks, so this week and the next two at work will be demanding and stressful. All the responsibility is on me ,as it’s a tiny company and I’m the only one out of the three staff remaining that has the experience to run it (the other two haven’t been there as long). I feel unwell, I desperately want some time off, even though the routine helps, I am pulled in so many directions. My employer is lovely, but after a conversation on Friday, proved to me he doesn’t understand in any way at all.

I suppose, I feel like most parents do, unable to have enough time or energy  to give all to anything. I feel like I am failing as a mother, as a wife, as an employee and I feel unable to give my all to therapy. I neglect relationships, I make too many errors at work and while therapy is progressing well, I don’t have the time or energy to do all the work in between, so it’s prolonging the agony..

I don’t really have anyone to come and help out, it’s pretty much me, my husband and my children. Most of my family are in my home town where I don’t want to be and through no fault of their own, they can trigger me too. I have a few friends, that I used to see regularly, but due to their own busy lives, I’ve not really seen for almost a year (though I get to see one in two weeks for a few hours, yay!).  Something has to give, I can’t do this anymore. Everyone tells me I am strong, I know I must have been to get this far, but right now I cannot seem to find that strength to draw on.

I am pretty sure I am driving everyone nuts, from the outside (and this is pretty much the conversation I had with my employer Friday) it looks as if I have gone from being happy and together, to a mess, as if starting therapy has caused it. I don’t think many understand how much I was hiding before. It’s always been this way, but it was buried, I ignored it, in some ways it was hidden from me too (see “Me Versus Me”).

I feel like hell and all I can seem to do is moan about it.

Release

* Trigger warning – SI*

 

What do you do

when you’ve no form of release?

No outlet for the pain,

or relief of your shame

 

No one told you it was cool

or explained it might help

It just felt so natural

to carve out the pain.

 

Or maybe you were just trying

to expel the poison inside.

I don’t think you really knew

It just felt so good.

 

Even for just a moment

you could feel something

the numbness pushed aside

while the blood was flowing.

 

Ecstacy at last

it was always so addictive

yet no one would understand

so you had to hide it

 

Hidden like everything else

more secrets and shame

such a huge burden to carry

it was a never ending cycle

 

Numb from pain and shame

then a slice of release

more shame than you could take

and around you went again.

 

Your role, my role.

 

I thought we were bound,

together forever

chained by our pain

holding your shame

 

But giving it to me

was just a temporary release

your shame remains

you will carry it forever,

 

It eats away at you

until you can no longer ignore it

I know this so well

because you infected me too

 

But our pain is different.

we weren’t drowning together

You had your role

and I had mine.

 

Afraid of myself?

I am a little afraid of how I feel right now, I hit depths of despair earlier today that I’ve not had in years, I had thoughts I didn’t want, fleeting, but very real. My head is in a mess, I am bouncing back and forth between symptoms, I can’t seem to think straight, I get half way through a thought and another interrupts. I am scared of myself a little bit and of how independent this feels from me. I know what I want, I know what I have, but there is such a pull back down a road I thought I’d left behind. I know I’m moving forward, I know I have a good life, but all the positives seem so far away. I feel I’m fighting a battle today and I’m afraid that right will lose. I feel like I’m screaming for help, but I don’t even know what for. I have help, I have support, I am safe and loved, I have everything and more than I could have ever hoped for. I don’t know what I want, what I’m hoping to achieve by moaning about how I feel. No one can do this for me, it has to be me. Right now I do not trust myself or my thoughts, there’s something inside telling me I’m a terrible person, that I deserved this, the shame I guess is taking over, the pain seems to be drowning me. I feel out of control and I’ve no clue what to do, except wait it out.

Maybe I just finally crashed today. Over a week of no routine, visitors in my house, having to suppress and push past my symptoms, feeling like I couldn’t be me and feeling I just couldn’t feel in general.. if that makes sense. Then the last few days I’ve been back at work, which has been crazy busy, Monday and Tuesday I came home to guests here, Wednesday, I came home to so much mess- I spent all afternoon cleaning.

I think I’m exhausted, I am stressed out, I need a break. I just don’t know when I’ll get one. I have work everyday, my boys to entertain when I get home, therapy each Friday, with the usual weekend of feeling terrible, then processing. My husband is talking about when he’ll be going camping this summer, which fills me with dread. I don’t see a break happening. I’m afraid that I’m going to crack under this pressure, I already feel like I’m on the edge. Tears keep coming, but no more than a few fall because I am afraid to fall apart. I barely made it to work today, I was late going in and I felt sort of zoned out all day. I was dissociating I guess but didn’t even try to break out of it, I was having intrusive thoughts, but grounding seemed too much effort. I am so drained.  I didn’t get chance, or couldn’t be bothered to eat today, which isn’t a good sign, I am trying to take care of myself, eating, drinking and sleeping really make a difference, I just didn’t care enough to do it today.

Tomorrow I see my T and I’m desperate to talk about the changes brought on by our last session, but I don’t know that I have the energy to go through it. I considered taking my letter with me as it explains a lot, but my printer won’t work. Maybe that’s a good thing, perhaps I need help with the basics again, reminders of what to do. Perhaps a session of his encouragement  and comfort will help rather than continuing with what we’ve been facing. That pisses me off though, I don’t want this to linger, the shame stuff I mean, I still feel those things, even with some changes in the right direction, it’s brought up more things that I need to address with him. I don’t want to put it on hold, but what choice do I have? I cannot continue progressing, I cannot face more stuff while I feel like this. I hope it just goes overnight and things can carry on as planned. Oh how I wish that happens, I cannot stand feeling this way. I could use some prayers right now.

Musings.

I would say the block I was experiencing is over, I have written a lot tonight, in my online journal mostly. It feels good, it’s an outlet for me, I’ve felt so tense without it. A few general musings:

The letter I wrote to him (My Shame (addressed to him)) the other night was a really huge step for me. Addressing anything to him is new, directing any kind of feelings towards him is really, really scary. I held back in that post, I’m sort of dipping my toe into focusing my feelings on him, it’s a relief in some ways, but it’s also difficult. The letter was a release, it helped me see how I feel about my own shame and what I feel about him in relation to that but I was shaking so badly after, it was hard. This is all so terrifying, each step forward is so unknown and unknown is scary. Every Friday I see my T and each week I step into the unknown, I face my fears and shame, I feel pain and anger, I explore and process my feelings surrounding the worst experiences of my life. As much as I need therapy, as much as I rely on my T, this is so very hard. I have to go through this almost every single week.

Therapy doesn’t stop after my session, I have a lot of work to do after, firstly recovering, then processing what we have discussed, evaluating any progress, or picking up on any issues I need to work on and exploring how I feel. In the midst of all that I have PTSD symptoms, a part time job and I am a mum to two very young children. It’s difficult, it seems never ending. I just had a week off work, to spend time with family visiting and I’m exhausted, I crave normality again, which hopefully is returning somewhat now, but I have no break, no down time at all right now. I’ve said it over and over, but this is so so hard.

I’m doing well though, my progress is pretty good I think, I’m moving forwards and I see the light waiting for me. I see changes already, I feel movement in me, sometimes it feels physical, I feel- really truly feel, change happening within me.

 

I see your darkness

In my mind

I see your darkness

there are flashes

of my fear

Pressure on my body

as some hidden part

remembers.

 

I probe deeper

strangely eager

to remember the detail

my body knows.

As time moves slowly on

I untangle the fragments

and I am met with reality.

 

And I wonder why I tried

why I ever wanted to know

because the truth

is unimaginable.

Tortured and shamed

raped and abused.

I wish I didn’t remember.

 

In my mind I still see your darkness

and there are flashes

of my fear

and though it is so painful

the truth will pierce

your darkness

I already see my light.