Writing lots this evening, I feel so much pain, I hurt so much, it is a release to write about it and particularly to direct it at the person who caused all this. It’s hard because while writing helps and I feel like I need to face him in this way, it makes me feel closer to him and that scares me, it sickens me too, lots of stuff there that gets in the way sometimes, stuff for my therapy sessions for sure.
It’s been a difficult few weeks, each day I’ve had those thoughts of “I can’t do this anymore” today is no exception, but I notice change. I am working towards an end of sorts, I am aware I am in the midst of a breakthrough. I have so many realisations, true realisations where I am feeling as well as knowing. They are freeing but burden me at the same time. I have been numb for so long and now I feel, it’s blessed relief, but agony, I want it, but want it gone too.
This is hard, really really hard. I am so very grateful for those who continue to support me, including strangers on the internet, I am astounded by the support I am receiving by people who do not even know me or didn’t know me just a year ago. I struggle some,I find it hard to take the support without thinking I owe that person, I worry about what I can do to thank them, or to give back. I sometimes feel very small, I can’t imagine I can do anything to help others, or to pay back those helping me.. so I am especially grateful for the help I am getting- sometimes it feels as if I am not deserving.
Those with me, I feel you uplifting me in those moments of despair when I think I just cannot carry on with this journey in therapy. You are amazing individuals and I thank you.
As I was writing this, I just had a flashback, I am aware of the trigger.. a song I think. I am having lots of “mini” ones at the moment, by “mini” I mean they are over quickly, they are mostly smells and sounds that don’t fit with any specific memory, they are just him, or back then…the impact is by no means mini, they cause body memories which I really don’t handle well.
I reminded myself of what I had just written, that I am not alone, I do have support.. thank you.