I am so angry, so fucking angry. Every time I think I get it under control, it is there again. Everything is winding me up, even the children. Things I would normally find mildly irritating, have me incandescent with rage. A red mist I cannot see through, a grip on my chest, so tight I can barely breathe.
I hurt, all over, I am overwhelmed by memories. I want it all to go, to fucking leave me alone. Maybe it’s the anniversaries, the toll of this month, or the knowledge that I have therapy tomorrow- where I know it will all come out. I don’t know, but I want to hit something, or break something.. do something.
I HATE them, I HATE him, I HATE every single person who caused this- and it wasn’t just one. So many people did nothing, so many turned a blind eye, so many who just didn’t fucking care, because they couldn’t and probably still can’t see past themselves. I hope I am never that selfish, I never, ever want to be like them.
Perhaps they think I didn’t matter, just a teen girl- I should have expected it right? WRONG. I wish I could say that it has changed since then, I wish what I went through was an isolated case, not an epidemic, which it seems to be. We live in a close minded, selfish, judgmental society. The media have a lot to answer for. The BBC continue to report on cases of child abuse, using the phrase “Child Sex Abuse”
STOP CALLING IT SEX ABUSE
It has nothing to do with sex. All those people who failed me… they told themselves I was off the rails, they told themselves I’d fallen for an older man and then they shamed me for “sleeping” with him. I didn’t! What he did was abuse. It was rape. It was not sex. For goodness sake, when will these attitudes change? I can’t do this, I can’t live with this. I cannot live in a world so fucked up it blames victims of abuse and rape. Where’s the exit? Because I wanna leave until this changes.
It’s too hard, too painful and it is feeding the shame I am desperately trying to rid myself of. It leaves me carrying secrets that are too heavy for one person to bear. It leaves me terrified to share with those who are supposed to care. I cannot report, I cannot tell people, I cannot seek justice. I will be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life (or at least his), unable to return to my home town, always being careful who knows where I live. Paranoid and terrified. His fault, their fault. Not my fault.
And it’s not just me, every other survivor I have crossed paths with has similar to say. The victim of Ched Evans for example, she had to change her name, she had to leave her home town, she will have to suffer for the rest of her life. He has been convicted of rape, yet still people think he’s innocent. How is this OK? She has her rapist convicted and still she is blamed. What hope is there for the rest of us?
We are living in a mans world and I am fucking sick of it.
I hate feeling this out of control, it triggers me, it feels so unlike me. I see “him” when I feel angry, what he looked like when angry and it just makes things worse…
Shedding Light on Darkness 
So sorry you’re having a rough day. Sometimes the reality of being an abused woman in today’s world gets to me, too. We can only go forward, doing what we can to educate others in the hope that one day little girls won’t know the fear, hurt, anger, humiliation and utter fucking helplessness we feel, even years after we escape.
Thank you. It is hard isn’t it? Sometimes I get such rage, I don’t know what to do with myself. Posting helps, or writing in my journal if I can face it.
Better than seeking vengeance, which sometimes seems like the only logical thing to do.
You’re right! It has NOTHING to do with sex!
I’m really sorry you’re going through a rough time right now. I understand your anger. I hope you can safely experience this anger. Is there anyone who can support you through this?
Thank you for your support. It helped to post, it released some of the anger. I have my husband with me and tomorrow I see my therapist. x
Good 🙂
You SHOULD be angry. If you weren’t, you’d REALLY be excessively screwed up.
So be angry, rightfully so. There’s a lot in this world to be angry about, including the fact that it seems so maddeningly true that so few people even care, care enough to actually do anything anyway. You just want to scream at them sometimes.
And then there are the actual abusers – them, you want to do a lot more than scream at. I asked a cop friend once, “Would it be okay if I just strolled down the street for awhile, shooting any pimps I happened to come across?”
So be angry, and don’t feel bad about being angry…And then let go of it and move on, because it’s true that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will die.
Anybody you want me to yell at or throw something at? – Happy to help. 🙂
Prayers and well wishes, always.
Thank you so much for the validation and even the permission- is that weird? I don’t even know you, but sometimes it helps to have someone tell you, that actually it’s OK to feel the way you feel.
🙂 Thank you.
I am so sorry that you are having a rough time right now. What was done to you should have never happened. No child should have to go through what you have suffered. You were innocent. Victim blaming is a horrible thing that is happening in a society that allows many criminals to get away with too many things because it protects their rights… but it has turned into a society that does not protect victims rights. As we speak out and advocate for victims rights, I pray that things will change to help more victims. Thanks for sharing. God bless you!
Thank you, for your comment, your understanding, your support and all that you do to help others. x